05.25.07
Posted in the Secret Experiment at 11:44 pm by Anna
I’ve been thinking about how my thoughts create my reality. Is that really true & how do I know? Is there such a thing as destiny? Is the final chapter of my story with Wally already written by some unknown author in the sky? If so, why am I not allowed to see it, or at least peek at the trailor?
It’s interesting, even though I have not texted anything dramatic or negative to Wally (in fact, just the opposite), he told me he didn’t want to be in touch because of all the drama…on one hand that sounds crazy. All my communications were low-key & super-positive. But on the other hand, from the point of view of the Law of Attraction, my thoughts were all poor-me, he’s-a-criminal. What a cliche! So in a weird way, the universe was reflecting my own mind
back to me…Hmmm…
I did focus on feeling good today. I focussed on my own inner happiness - not waiting for him to do what I want, say what I want or validate me in anyway. I just focussed on the feeling of happiness. And it worked! I felt better this afternoon than I’ve felt in along time, and it was for no apparant reason. The feeling wasn’t a reaction to anything, I just created it out of thin air. I’ve always been taught we cannot control our feelings, and it’s unhealthy to try. But today I literally made a decision to feel happy and it worked, and it was real. Is this one small step for me, and a possible giant step for womankind?
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05.24.07
Posted in the Secret Experiment at 10:19 pm by Anna
Well, I am not losing any excess baggage on this ‘positive thinking’ diet!
I’ve been cranky and pissed off at Wally all day. He took his time texting me back, over 24 hours. Then he said he’d been freaking out (about what I have no clue). He asked how I am, and when is a good time to call. I was so annoyed at his endless drama, I texted back, “I don’t know when a good time is.” I know it was a biatchy thing to do, but I am so sick of his ways!! He texted back saying he hadn’t been honest: Most of the time he doesn’t want to talk to me because our talks are too full of drama and trauma sharing & he’s not enjoying them, and he knows I’m not, so he doesn’t want to continue talking right now.
First of all, we haven’t talked in weeks & all our texts have been superficial with no drama at all. But he is always apologizing for something, even when I’m not mad, so who brings the drama to the situation??
I texted him back saying I’m sick of all his freak outs and fear, and he’s right I don’t want him in my life either. Which is very true right now. I mean, I’m sad about it, but mostly pissed off and just glad to get rid of him. I don’t deserve this, I really don’t.
It’ll probably hit me tomorrow, but I hope not…
Anyway, I’m supposed to be focussing on what I do want, not what I don’t want…whatever I focus on, I draw to me….but it’s so hard when it just shows up in my face like this. But I will not be defeated. I’m not going to let this loser ruin my life. He doesn’t even deserve me to grieve over him!
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05.23.07
Posted in the Secret Experiment at 9:32 pm by Anna
Days 2 – 5
Thank you for the encouragement after my last post - I truly appreciate it!
Well, it’s been very up and down with my ability to stay positive. Right now it’s way down. I’ve been trying to visualize every morning what I want in a relationship – I want someone who is a great match for me, a good fit. I want a mutual commitment, and caring, laughter, and that we bring out the best in each other.
I’ve been texting back and forth with Wally, and when he doesn’t text back right away, or he doesn’t sound as enthusiastic as I want about seeing each other, I basically go into a tailspin. Why am I so neurotic? We’re not even technically together, but I guess it hasn’t hit me on the deepest emotional level. It feels like we still are. And I know it has been a far cry from my fairytale romance, but I still love him, and the embarrassing truth is that if I had a choice, I’d probably choose him all over again.
Yet when we were together, it didn’t feel like, ‘yes, this is it’. I was full of doubt. So I’m not 100% sure what I want. It’s just that letting him go is hard. I know that.
Why is clarity so hard to achieve? I feel like a loser who can’t even figure out what I want! How can these ‘Secret’ exercises possibly work if I don’t even know what to focus on?
I guess the only answer is to work on myself, so I’m clear and the happiest person I can be with or without a man. That’s probably when I’ll be able to be in a healthy relationship – one that’s nurturing and happy. That’s the only thing I can positively say I want right now, and I guess for the time being, it’s good enough…
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05.18.07
Posted in the Secret Experiment at 11:07 pm by Anna
Well, this focussing on the good stuff is harder than I thought. It went well for most of the day, but by the time it got to evening, someone brought up Wally and I started saying why I was mad at him, and by the time I caught myself, I was basically happy that we broke up, and still don’t feel like I ever want to see him again. Maybe that is real. Maybe I”m just way better off without him. I’m still going to focus on what I want in a relationship and in a man…but I’m disappointed that I got derailed on my very first day. I’m still in a crappy mood from it….
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05.17.07
Posted in the Secret Experiment at 4:28 pm by Anna
Okay, I am exhausted today and irritable. Everyone at work is getting on my nerves. I usually don’t generalize, but it’s a fact - people in LA can be such diva’s sometimes. Right now I’m working with a celebrity hairdresser and she is more demanding, temperamental and touchy than all the celebrities I’ve ever met, combined! I am not kidding, she almost walked off the set today because they got her the wrong brand of bottled water. Hard to believe, but maybe she has a designer bladder.
I think this is pretty universal, but when I’m in the worst mood, I seem to attract chaos wherever I go. Traffic jams, technical problems, difficult people. The whole day seems to start off badly and it spirals downward. I’ve had a few days in a row like that, and it’s got to stop!
On the other hand, when I’m in a good mood - thinking and feeling positive and high energy - things just go my way. In the movie the Secret, they talk about the Law of Attraction, which says that whatever you focus on, you attract into your life. If you focus on what you don’t want, you’ll attract that…but if you focus on what you do want, it’s easier to draw it to you. I believe that to some extent. But how much does it really work? Can it totally change a relationship? A situtation? A life?
One of the teachers of the Secret, Jack Canfield says it takes 40 days in a row to change your thinking patterns. So…
I’m embarking on a brand new ‘Secret (but public) Experiment’. For the next 40 days!
1. I am not going to allow myself to focus on the things I don’t like about Wally, or the things I’m still upset about. I am only going to focus on what I like about him, the great things he’s said & done; and what I want in a relationship - whether it’s with him or someone else.
2. I will not allow myself to focus on my house redecorating woes, or my financial stress. I’m going to focus on what is going great in my life and what I want to create and attract.
3. Every morning I will do affirmations and visualizations (highly reccomended in the Secret)!
4. I will put up visual displays around me of the things I want to attract (for ex. the house, relationship etc).
5. I will pay attention to my thoughts and when they are negative, I will change the thought.
6. Every evening I will look back on the day and notice all the times when the Law of Attracion was at play in my life - for better or for worse.
7. I will blog about this every day for the next 40 days, so I can keep track of the progress.
Let’s see if this stuff really works…let’s see if anything changes in my life!! If it improves my relationshp with Wally, then I’ll know it really works - and if I can do it, anyone can.
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