07.09.07
Posted in the Secret Experiment at 3:53 pm by Anna
I have had the weirdest time the past few weeks. First my brother got food poisoning and had to go the hospital. Since he lives in my hood, I spent 5 days nursing him. Then I went to Colorado for work, and had a blast; then my computer crashed and it’s been a rocky road ever since.
I have decided to put my past behind me. All the worries about Wally (Wally who?), all the bitterness, resentment, and all my worries and uncertainty about the future. All my financial worries are not neccessary in my life anymore. I feel empowered to carve out a future for myself - a future of my own creation. I think the fresh air in Colorado knocked some sense into me.
With the “Secret” visualizations, etc I noticed I was good at visualizing and noticing when the Law of Attraction was at work, but I need major improvement in the most important parts - watching my thoughts and thinking more postive, empowering ones. That is so hard. But when I did it, I swear I felt better almost instantly. One morning in Colorado I actually meditated and started reading a book by Eckhart Tolle called The Power of Now. I felt so alive and at peace. I wasn’t getting any work done, but within a few hours, I got a call from someone offering me a new (very lucrative) project. It just felt like such a validation.
As far as Wally goes, I’m working on forgiving our past. Which means, not just forgiving him, but forgiving myself for the way I didn’t let myself receive, the mistakes I made, the misunderstandings we had, the bad timing, all of it. Eventually the ultimate test will be when I am at peace with everything and I feel that there’s nothing even to forgive.
I have resolved to move on and be present in my life and be the best person I can be. And be the happiest I can be. This is the summer of taking care of myself. And the truth (which I hate to admit) is if I had to guess, I’d guess that our story is still not over. But it would be pathetic to wait around, so I’m back to scanning for cute guys, hanging out with friends more, and even enjoying my own company. And focussing on the relationship I want to have. It can be with Wally at some point in the future, or with a new man of my dreams. Either way, there ain’t nothing wrong with that!
This wraps up my Secret Experiment for now. My next blogs will be in other categories, but I will take the practices of the Secret into my life because it really did help. It wasn’t just the techniques, but how much I used them. In the end, it all comes back to me.
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06.12.07
Posted in the Secret Experiment at 5:02 pm by Anna
Everytime I think of washing Wally outta my hair for good I feel sick. Literally. My chest burns & my stomach aches.
I realized on some level I’m stuck in this pattern of not knowing whether or not I want a particular guy - yearning for a relationship, craving his touch but somehow feeling unsettled about the prospect of a future together…like I’ve never found quite the right fit. But would I know it if I found it, would there be a resounding voice in my head ringing with that clear & certain, “Yes!”?
Or is it a choice you make at some point - where there is a strong enough foundation, when the good outweighs the bad enough to make it wise to love & commit for better or for worse?
I decided to own my own indecisiveness & yo-yo-ness. That’s what Wally is reflecting in me. I can’t blame him without looking at it in myself first. My antidote? To know I can create my own happiness with or without him & somehow it’ll all turn out.
I choose to be in a fabulous relationship, with someone who is a great match for me. Whether it’s Wally or someone else is just details…
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06.08.07
Posted in the Secret Experiment at 8:59 pm by Anna
I went to Mexico last weekend, came back with a nasty stomach virus, and it gave me lots of time to think…
What I came up with was this: At any given time, I am more addicted to wanting a particular man than actually having that man. I love the worry and rejection, the scheming and the wondering…the sweet torture. Even though I tell myself I hate it, I actually relish the inescapable web of misery. It is familiar and safe.
When I get what I want, I don’t know what to do with it, don’t know how to be content or happy. It is so foreign to me, that I actually feel like something is wrong, and I create things going wrong. That’s the Law of Attraction at its strongest - in the worst direction!
I don’t know what to do about this pattern I’ve discovered…for now acknowledging it in black and white seems like a good first step…and the visualizations continue. Except now they are less and less about Wally specifically…and more about the person I want to be, and the way I want to experience my life. It may be that I’ve already left him behind and I just haven’t admitted it to myself. Or it may be that this time is a respite for both of us, before a major commitment. The circumstances would surely point to the former….but who’s to really say.
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06.01.07
Posted in the Secret Experiment at 7:03 pm by Anna
I’m learning that just because I love Wally & think of him 100 different times during the day with emails I want to forward, hilarious moments I want to tell him about, or just when I get weary and would give anything to rest my head on his chest…just because those experiences haunt me, doesn’t mean we’re meant to be together. At least not now.
I am learning to how to love him and be sad about losing him, and simultaneously know that this break up is exactly what needs to happen in my life right now. I see the perfection in it. And instead of being unspeakably frustrated that we got so close to having this awesome relationship and then failed, I can be fulfilled that he was in my life at a time when a relationship was the right thing for me, and now I have the freedom I need to take myself and my life to the next level.
And if I look forward instead of back over my shoulder (this is where the ‘Secret’ techniques really help), I am excited because I know in time I will have the relationship I’ve always wanted. And whether it’s with him or someone else is of secondary importance. This time in my life is about enjoying the benefits of being single (no one to answer to, complete freedom in my scheduling choices, not being woken up way too early in the morning, etc). And it’s a time of delicous anticipation…like a kid in spring, waiting for the circus to come to town in the summer….
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05.31.07
Posted in the Secret Experiment at 10:39 pm by Anna
Today I woke up feeling that any shred of hope I’ve ever had about a future friendship, romance, anything with Wally was nothing but a pathetic illusion. I looked at our history - the patterns of him turning his back so coldly (seemingly) everytime we break up and when I want us to fight for it; or the way he never seems to be there when I need him, the way he seems to be able to turn his emotions off so easily…I know a lot of this is just my perception, and there are 2 sides to every story, but either way…I simply never seemed to get what I need. Or rarely anyway.
It feels like he’s gone. I used to feel him with me all the time, whether we were dating or not. We both had a similar experience of feeling each other’s presence throughout the day. Now it’s different. I feel this separation, like cold grease, in the marrow of my bones.
In a deep way he is gone.
And somehow it is freeing. Devasting too. But I know that I am acknowledging a truth. And no matter what, that’s gotta be the first step towards a better way. I know Wally and I have not yet found our way. Maybe we never will. I’m not sure if I believe that or not. But the voice I keep hearing in my head says, “Not now.” Maybe that means there is a possibility for later, maybe it means “No” in the only way I can hear and accept it right now.
So I’m sticking to my plan - focus on my own happiness, and what I want in a relationship. And that can only attract some relief, at the very least.
And I know this for sure: With every fiber of my being, I love him. Deeply, passionately, imperfectly, unconditionally.
In the past I’ve always wanted to know the guy was upset over losing me, and that he couldn’t forget me. But this time it’s different, (maybe I’m growing - what a concept!). I think am obsessing and suffering enough for the 2 of us. I don’t need the ego satisfaction of him moping around and being miserable, so I can feel better about myself. I hope he is moving on, and happy. At least 1 of us should be. And hopefully soon, I’ll make it 2.
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05.30.07
Posted in the Secret Experiment at 8:18 pm by Anna
The number 13 wasn’t always considered unlucky - it used to be considered a time of heightened good fortune, when witches (good ones) could perform important rituals that would benefit the community or the village. And they used to do these on the full moon, which tonight is.
Tonight I feel like I am a witch (a good one!) And I feel the magic of the perfectly round moon. I feel my feminine power rising up and becoming brighter & stronger…more potent.
I don’t know what any of this means. But I know I have a happy ending in store for myself. When, where and how is still a mystery, but I am not the pathetic, needy little girl I was when I pined for Wally these past 6 months, or dated him these past few months. I feel like I’ve grown into someone of a higher caliber. Nothing about me or my life has changed. Except I am now dedicated to my own happiness, and that makes all the difference.
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05.29.07
Posted in the Secret Experiment at 8:36 pm by Anna
I was exhausted and having a hard time staying positive. I was so up and down, I decided to keep a log of my erratic thoughts, just for laughs:
10:17 Depressed. Had the thought that anything between me and Wally in the future is impossible.
10:45 Wondered if that was really true. Called 2 friends to ask their opinion, but thankfully got their vm’s.
11:22 Noticed I was being completely unproductive, living in reveries of my last romantic and sweet weeks with him.
11:55 Contemplated going to an astrologer or psychic, but I’m not sure I believe in them.
12:30 Took a lunch break and looked at all my pics of him on my phone - he is so cute! Knew for sure that I had to have him back no matter what.
2:30 Made an appointment to get my hair dyed a lighter shade of blonde hoping I’ll feel hotter (I know, pathetic!). I’m deathly afraid of dying my hair, this better be worth it!
2:45 Optomistic. Did a visualization of him calling me and wanting me back.
4:30 Devastated. Decided he can never give me what I want and I don’t love him that much anyway.
6:00 Decided the future is unknown and all I can do is live in the present; and focus on making the best choices for my own life.
7:18 Did a page of affirmations on how we are going to get back together.
8:10 Got mad at myself for obsessing over him too much.
8:11 Looked at more pics of him on my computer. .
So you see, continuity is not exactly my middle name…
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05.28.07
Posted in the Secret Experiment at 8:44 pm by Anna
You’re treating me kind, sweet destiny…
Okay, Now I’m gaining momentum with this Law of Attraction thing.
My big realization: Last year when Wally and I almost got back together but didn’t, and he got back together with Agnes (aka ‘the cow’), I was traumatized. I knew they’d break up, and I waited in silent agony for 6 months!
I felt rejected and victimized - even though if you talk to him, he says he still loved me but didn’t think it could work out. When we finally got back together in Hawaii (yes, that’s the real story), underneath everything I said and did, I was vibin on rejection. All the things I wanted to hear him say, the love I desperately needed him to express, the longing for that magic in every moment we spent together…it was coming from a place of trying to resist the constant rejection I felt and couldn’t get over, and was trying with all my might to avoid.
In the Secret, the teachers say that the Law of Attraction brings us whatever we think of. Mostly we think about what we don’t want, instead of what we do want. But by focussing on what we do want, we can bring it into our lives. (I think it also has to do with our beliefs about ourselves too.) So I was trying to chase validation and adoration because I was running from the rejection that was haunting me. So ironically, by trying so hard to get the opposite of rejection, I was really focussing on it, and attracting it into my life even more. And our past never stopped bugging me like a spiker up my butt.
And now, it’s no mystery - I got what I was trying to avoid - the expereince of rejection. I felt dismissed, brushed aside and neglected all the time, sometimes for no reason. And everything I needed him to say, he did say in his own Wally way, but I never got the satisaction from it. Even when he was so excited to see me, or said he couldn’t stop thinking about me.
So my solution? To focus on love. Wally or not. I’m not vibin on thoughts of limitation, rejection, neediness and lack. (I reject them!) Those days are over. I’m all about love and happiness. No matter what happens with him. I choose to experience happiness and peace in my life.
This is where I was at all day, and I literally felt buzzed…(I wasn’t).
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05.27.07
Posted in the Secret Experiment at 10:21 pm by Anna
Today is the first day I think I’ve really done this ‘Secret’ stuff the way I’m supposed to. Therefore, in a way it’s the first time - maybe I’m a Secret Virgin.!
I did all the visualizations in the morning, and throughout the day, when I caught myself thinking of all the things Wally did that make me furious, I used my willpower to stop thinking those thoughts, and visualize what I want instead.
(Oh, by the way, I’m not mad at him anymore. I told Nicole today that even a rollercoaster is more predictable and rational than I am these days - I go up and down like a yo-yo on steroids.)
The whole day I felt heartbroken. I missed him. I don’t know if my desire for him was just the lonliness kicking in, or the fact that I wasn’t exhausted for a change, (which is when I get totally cranky and mad at him).
Anyway, I’m still sad and confused, but I’m much better than the past few weeks - I feel like I’m taking my life back into my own hands. I just did the exercise of going through the day and noticing everytime the Law of Attraction was at work. Like how I’d think of something then it happened, or I changed my attitude about something and the situation changed immediately…there were like 5 incidents like that…I’m getting into this.
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05.26.07
Posted in the Secret Experiment at 10:11 pm by Anna
Out of desperation, I decided to get serious and heal myself of this heavy Wally chain around my neck. So I started writing about all the things I did in the relaionship that I can take responsibility for, so I can acknowledge them and get closure. Since Wally and I aren’t even talking, I thank God for this blog!
I know that even though I did a lot of stuff for him, in a way I was selfish. A part of me was auditioning for the role of his wife &/or adored girlfriend. I loved the way he admired me, and the way people thought we were so cute together. The way he praised me covered up my own insecurities so I didn’t have to deal with my own lack of self-esteem. And I played a lot of games to get a specific reaction from him (to appreciate me, pursue me, etc) without paying enough attention to how it would actually make him feel. Although I hated the way he could be self-absorbed, my attitude about the relationship was very all-about-me. Ugh!
The whole time we were together, I was mad at him about our past, and a big part of me didn’t trust him. After all, what kind of guy says he loves you more than he’s ever loved anyone, and a few months after we break up goes back with his ex? I wanted a grand gesture before we got back together, and never got one. But I needed to own whatever was going on with me, and either get over it somehow or get out of the relationship. Instead I did neither, but I resented him and used it as a barrier between us.
I’m not good in the forgiveness department. I still haven’t totally forgiven him for everything, but I’m working on it. Not for his sake, but for mine!!! I don’t want to be the resentful, vengeful girl - that makes me small and needy. I want to be the benevolent, happy girl. Because I know that is my only ticket out of this hell, and the best way to attract the relationship I really want.
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