10.21.08
Splitting Up the Holiday Season
How do couples navigate the trickiness of the holidays? I know that when you are married with kids, you can split your time - Thanksgiving with one family, Christmas with the other. But, what about if you are just dating? And, what about the friends?
Pre-Jameson, my friends and I would always celebrate Thanksgiving together. We were all in LA and most of our families were spread out across the country and no one could ever afford to go home. So we started going to Vegas over Thanksgiving, or trying to cook a turkey ourselves, or going to a spa. We would always do something together, since we were the Thanksgiving orphans. We always knew that spending that holiday with our families would be preferable, but since we couldn’t, we’d have fun on our own.
Now, Jameson’s family lives in Reno, which is close enough for him to go there for Thanksgiving, and he talks like he is assuming that I am coming too. (I went last year, when we couldn’t stand to be apart for more than an hour at a time.) And I want to, and I’m glad that his family has been so accepting of me, but a part of me feels bad for missing out on the orphan Thanksgiving with my friends. I feel like I am moving on and leaving them behind? Even though I also know that it is not really like that. But, then, why do I feel so guilty?
And then there is Christmas. Jameson and I would like to spend Christmas together, but it just does not seem feasible. My family lives in New York, and I have NEVER not been home for Christmas. Plus, it is just my mother, my father, and my brother, usually, so my absence would really be missed if I didn’t go. And, I can’t bring Jameson home with me because he’s an only child and also has not NOT been to his home for Christmas and so he doesn’t want to leave his parents alone for the holidays. I argue that if I go to his family’s for Thanksgiving, he should come with me to mine for Christmas, but I also don’t want to be the bad guy forces him to leave his parents all alone on the holidays.
Does anyone have any thoughts? Shared experiences? Stories about holiday planning solutions? I’d love to hear ‘em. I love the holidays, but the logistics of it all can be such a nightmare!
MazingAmy said,
October 21, 2008 at 11:36 pm
Well SG and I had it kinda easy since we’re not only children. My fam is in Vegas, his is in Philly. We’d do TG at one family, Xmas at the other and flip flop the other year. But if it was my year to do Xmas, I would be home the whole time while he’d fly home before Xmas and then to Vegas on Xmas Eve. If it was his turn to be home for Xmas, I went home on the 21st and flew to Philly on the 23rd or 24th. Then we’d go to Mexico for New Years.
Jill said,
October 22, 2008 at 10:13 am
Since Jewish holidays are 2 days, we fly all the way to Canada for the first day, then fly to Philly for the second day, then take a train back to NYC. It’s exhausting but now I feel like we’ve set a precedent so I don’t know how we can break it. I talked to my dad about doing Rosh Hashana one year in Canada and one year in Philly and he looked depressed. It’s so hard because I can’t imagine not being with my family for these holidays but I know that it’s not fair to spend every holiday with my family and not with his. So…I think we’ve decided to alternate Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur, Passover we’re going to fly to one city for one day then the other city for the next day, his family gets Thanksgiving since we don’t celebrate it in Canada, they get Chanukah and my dad gets Father’s Day.
This stuff is complicated but I’m sure you’ll figure out a solution. Spending Thanksgiving with your friends instead of his family might be viewed negatively by his family though. I think I’d plan a post or pre-Thanksgiving celebration with friends and go with him to Reno for the actual holiday. Then, I’d make the argument that he should come with you for x-mas. Maybe soon enough, your families can celebrate these things together.
betsy said,
October 22, 2008 at 5:26 pm
Hi there. I just found your blog at Barbie’s. I hope you don’t mind if I comment. I think the question is this: Is this relatiuonship going somewhere, as in, we will be married or committed to each other? If the answer is yes, then you are starting your own family and that “family” has to come first. Yes, everyone wants to make everyone happy but that’s going to be impossible in the long run. It’s good to start putting your “our”, as in our thanksgiving, our christmas, first. If this isn’t a relationship that is going to end up in marriage, or in a lasting commitment (marriage isn’t the only forever after way) than be with your families and know when the holiday is over, your other half will still be there. I think it comes down to where are you with this guy and what are you willing to give up (family, orphans, of which I have a fabulous group!) JMHO.