07.30.08
Posted in Relationship ups and downs at 6:22 pm by Nicole
It’s funny, I never understood how this whole “needing to reconnect” thing can happen to a couple when a couple lives together. But, my friends, I can tell you it can.
And no, I’m not worried about my relationship. It’s just…well…I feel distant. Like there is the transparent wall between us. I come home late so wrapped up in work stress and all I can think about is what to eat for dinner and how I have to wake up early the next morning. It’s almost like I am taking the whole living together thing for granted that I don’t take the time to appreciate and nurture the relationship. It’s not good.
But, short of quitting my job and devoting all my time to him, what can I do? I cannot turn off the professional side of my brain that easily, and my job is such that things carry over. Sigh. I know that this is normal, but I can’t help but be worried and feel guilty - just a little bit.
Life is hard work.
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07.16.08
Posted in General at 4:57 pm by Nicole
Edited after Dinkerwald’s comment because he was kinda right. And to clarify - I haven’t actually responded to him, just on this blog.
Dear Sebastian:
My life is good right now. Really good. Really really good. Thank you for asking. It was funny that you sent me that email about seeing me last night at the sushi restaurant - I had no idea you were there. Though, I am glad that you didn’t come up and say hi.
The last time I saw you, I was crying and you were driving and I didn’t know when I was going to see you again and that was almost unbearble to me. But, at the same time, I was at my limit. I wanted to be done feeling used and desperate and insignificant. I wanted to be done constantly vying for your attention and affection. I wanted to stop lying to myself and my friends and making excuses for your inexcusable conduct. So, after a couple of weeks (ok maybe a month) of adjustment, I closed the door. Definitively.
In some ways, I’d like to thank you. I have to say that everyone should experience the sick in love feeling over a boy once in a lifetime, and, boy, did you test me. I almost lost friends over you. I had drama every day. I have become a much more compassionate but stronger person because of you. I know that I could never go back to the kind of life that I had with you.
But that is not why I am not going to respond to your email or your texts. That is not why I deleted myself from myspace and cut off all contact with you. I’m not afraid of you. But, my relationship with Jameson means everything to me. And for the sake of that relationship, I cannot. Even to just catch up, like your email said. Even if we could be just friends.
I wouldn’t want Jameson in touch with an ex-girlfriend like you. And if I wouldn’t want him in touch with someone like that, I can’t be in touch with you.
I’m sorry if my silence is mean or insulting. And, I hope you are doing well. But - as I’ve said a thousand times before - I meant it when I told you goodbye.
All the best
Nicole
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