01.14.08
To move in or not?
“If you want to marry Jameson, you shouldn’t live with him beforehand. If you are just ‘enjoying the moment’ then it is ok to move in with him.” - My (old-fashioned) friend, after I told her that Jameson and I were talking about getting a place together.
The bottom line is that we spend every night together anyway. And much of our free time. And it is the first relationship that I’ve had where we are so compatible that if it went on like this forever, I would be one happy woman. And, for practical reasons, I would have a lot more time to organize my household if I was “home” more.
I ‘m not even thinking about marriage. I’m not against the idea, but I kind of feel like we haven’t been dating long enough. But, my friend implied that if I moved in with him, we’d never marry. I think she even used the outdated term, “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
Am I looking at this all wrong? To me, moving in together (aside from having to tell my family and current roommate) is so not a big deal considering that I practically live at his place anyway. In fact, it would be better because I could get so much more householdy stuff accomplished and I wouldn’t feel like a “guest” in someone else’s apartment all the time. All very practical, realistic thoughts. I didn’t even think about whether this means anything about the relationship, and if it does, what does it mean - it all just seems like the reasonable thing to do that would save us both money.
What are your thoughts on moving in? Should I be analyzing it as part of some kind of bigger relationship picture at this time?
Ms. Mysterioso said,
January 14, 2008 at 8:04 pm
Sorry I don’t comment much but felt I should on this one….
Do what feels right. There is no “formula” to a successful relationship/ cohabitation/ marriage. People do all sorts of combinations of the above and live happily ever after. In other cases, there are no guarantees. Live your life, only you can answer these questions.
But…. I do think that there is a larger part of moving in with someone that exceeds the “practicality/financial” aspect. It’s the “we are so compatible” bit that tells me that moving in might be the right thing for both of you… it doesn’t have to do with marriage, but it does have to do with sharing a life together.
Good luck exploring these thoughts… I’ll keep myself posted !!
Drea said,
January 14, 2008 at 9:32 pm
I think you just have to answer the one question, do you want to live with him? If so, it is practical, if not, it’s not. This is a pretty personal decision, listen to yourself.
Chelsea said,
January 14, 2008 at 10:54 pm
You should do what makes you happy. As cliche as that may sound. But really, if you spend all your time together and youre HAPPIER with him, then why not?
Dawn said,
January 15, 2008 at 3:41 am
Many people say “I’d never marry someone I haven’t lived with first!” It’s a test to see if they CAN live with them.
Staying at his apartment — even if it’s every night — is NOT the same as living together. Because, when you’ve had a spectacularly shitty day and are in an awful mood, you can opt to not show that to him and go to your own place. And he can do the same. But when you live together, you see it all, and see if there are things that you absolutely cannot live with as a married person.
Personally, I think it’s a wise decision to live together before getting married. I did it. And then we got married — so he didn’t get the cow (moooooo!) for free.
You have to do what’s good for you. And for Jameson. But don’t think that it’s “wrong” to live together. And don’t think that you’ll never get married if you’re already living together. Go with your heart.
KellyB said,
January 15, 2008 at 5:33 am
I’m the type that HAS to live with someone before I could marry them…I think….like Dawn said…that it really is a test. I don’t agree with your friend…I’ve seen people get married and then live together…and then I’ve seen people live together and STILL get married….I think it all comes down to the couple…and he is obviously crazy about you…I don’t think he looking to get any milk for free
AmyD said,
January 15, 2008 at 6:35 am
I don’t mean to sound all mushy (or cynical) but deciding to live with someone should NEVER be on the basis of practicality; it should be on the basis that when you aren’t with that person, they are all you can think about and the idea of NOT living with them (at least someday) causes you to feel downright depressed and anxious. If you are only moving in with Jameson because it’s the logical thing to do, you would save money, and it would mean you could get more done with your time, well…hold off. If, on the other hand, you can’t imagine not living your life with him and can’t imagine NOT living with him, forge ahead. Dawn is right: living with someone isn’t easy. It takes respect, appreciation, communication, similar lifestyles and habits, etc. I didn’t live with anyone until CL, and while I never judge anyone who chooses to do so, I’m very glad I didn’t make that step with any of my exes (which is, in essence, why I didn’t take that step in the first place)…breaking up with them was messy enough without packing the boxes and fighting over CD’s. Yet, you and Jameson seem to have a very good thing going and if you follow your heart, you’ll know what is the right thing to do. Good luck and congrats on getting to this stage of your relationship!
La said,
January 15, 2008 at 6:55 am
I don’t think it’s necessarily old fashioned to be hesitant about the idea of moving in with someone before marriage/engagement. Because it kind of IS a big deal. Something I wish I had thought a lot more about. I went into my last relationship the same way - thinking that since he was there so much, he might as well move in. If you guys have discussed your future, however, and have established that this is a forever thing, then absolutely go for it. Just my two cents, but what do I know?!
Sarah said,
January 15, 2008 at 7:41 am
I had to re-read what your friend said several times to make sure I read it correctly. I absolutely disagree with her. Who on earth would move in with a casual fling, knowing full well about the fighting over CDs and apartments when it all goes to shit?
You and I are on a similar time line with our BFs, only I already moved in with mine. In hindsight, I wish I had waited perhaps two more months before doing it, but I don’t regret it at all. It is harder. One person is always going to be cleaner than the other; one person is going to be more responsible with the bills than the other, but it all comes down to compromise. And you are going to have to deal with those situations eventually if you are looking towards marriage. I say, if you both feel you’re ready, go for it!
Nicole said,
January 15, 2008 at 10:42 am
Hi All! Thanks for your comments! I guess I SHOULD be thinking about this a little more…(Funny, I usually overthink EVERYTHING and with this, it was much more organic…like a natural progression or something.)
As a follow up question, how do you know when you’re “ready”?
Margarita said,
January 15, 2008 at 11:12 am
It’s a tough call, I moved in with my boyfriend just shy of our one year anniversary, and it worked out great for a while. However, in my case, we were both a little young, 22, to make that big step. If I had to do it over again, I probably would (we broke up after a year a half of living together). If it feels right, I’d say go ahead, especially since you guys are a little older than I was. There’s going to be pros and cons. Suppose it does look like you guys are going to be committed to each other long-term, do you want to go straight from living together to being married? Or do you think you want to get married and then live together?
Tilly said,
January 15, 2008 at 11:34 am
I lived with my ex and we eventually broke up and I have mixed feelings about living with him. On the one hand I was able to realize that I couldn’t spend the rest of my life with him. And it’s not like I regret moving in together, but it was definitely more about the saving money issue and both of our parents were none too pleased. We didn’t have a nasty break-up, so there wasn’t much fighting about “my stuff” and “his stuff.” Come to think of it, it was ALL my stuff.
But now I live with my love, Fiji, and it’s awesome. I love living with him and I am excited about our future together. I also moved in with him after dating for like 2-3 months which was WAY fast, clearly, but we just knew. I was the first GF he’d asked to move in and we really did “just know” from the beginning (well, mostly).
As far as knowing when you’re “ready,” I really do think you’ll just feel it. It will just happen, and follow a “natural progression,” as you say. Living together is definitely a challenge, so I wouldn’t rush it–obviously–but it sounds like you and Jameson have a solid relationship and hopeful future together. Good luck!
Dawn said,
January 15, 2008 at 11:43 am
As a follow up question, how do you know when you’re “ready”?
For me, it was when I wasn’t wondering how much of a hassle it would be to pack up and find another place to live (never mind being in another country!) if/when we broke up.
Meaning, I think that you know that you’re ready when you’re not thinking of the “if” problems — but, rather, when you’re thinking “I can’t wait to be with this person all the time in a space that’s OURS — not his, not mine.”
By the way, when you get married, you’ll want your “me time” again (which you’ll rarely get) so it’s a vicious circle, really.
Miriam D said,
January 15, 2008 at 12:04 pm
I actually think it’s good to move in with each other before marraige. I’ve been living with my guys for 5 years. And I know we are ready for marraige when we have enough money. It’s a good test - find out if you guys can tolerate each other 24/7, because living together is a challenge. You don’t want to find out how much conflict there is AFTER marraige. I say if you feel ready to move in, go for it! I don’t believe it means you won’t get married. In fact, I have to totally disagree with that statement! I think for me, it helped J and I realize we WANT to get married, because we couldn’t have a home without each other.
JM said,
January 15, 2008 at 3:51 pm
I’ve only lived with one boyfriend and it didn’t turn out well, but that was because he wasn’t right from the start. Ultimately, I think it depends on the couple. It can give you a great idea of what it might be like to be married, or maybe that aspect doesn’t matter at all and it’s just about taking the next step regardless of what direction you’re headed in.
Regardless you should think about what’s best for YOU, what you would need out of that situation, what you would expect, etc… and if you both agree you need and expect the same things then go for it! Good luck!
Anna said,
January 16, 2008 at 9:22 pm
I disagree with the ol’ “don’t move in if you want to get married” theory. It may have been true at one time, but not anymore (in my experience). Now many couples consider it a precursor to marriage, like a pre-engagement. Many psychologists also recommend it. I only lived with one guy full time, and it really was where the rubber met the road. We ended up breaking up, which I thank God for, because we weren’t right for each other. But during that time, we also got 10x more serious and if we were right for each other, it would have definitely led to marriage (we discussed it seriously, quite often.) Also in my experience, there’s a certain level of intimacy and unconditional love that living together opens the door to (no pun intended).
Lil' Irish Lass said,
January 17, 2008 at 1:25 pm
I think it’s wise to live with someone before you get married. As so many people have pointed out before me, it’s the best way to see just how serious the relationship really is, just how compatible you guys really are.
I say, go for it. I don’t buy all of that old-fashioned nonsense about it ruining your shot at getting married.
michelle and the city said,
January 17, 2008 at 1:52 pm
this is a hard topic. i think you should definitely move in together if you’re thinking about marriage. it’s better to find out if things would change once you did.
i hesitate giving advice on this bc when my last relationship didn’t work out it was the hardest thing emotionally to move out. if you can wait until you’re SURE, i would. i know it’s convenient and saves money, just make sure you’re ready.
Pare said,
January 19, 2008 at 1:07 pm
I moved in with my boyfriend for “practical” reasons as well; it’s a long story. Once or twice I’ve though it would be nice to have my own place again, but I’ve never full-blown regretted it.
Living together does change things, and it’s hard to explain exactly how. Sometimes it feels absolutely wonderful to be living with your love, and other times you are mentally reviewing your savings + your paycheck to see if you can afford to move out. But that’s the story of relationships, right? There are ups and downs in every aspect.
I will say this: if you have problems with him knowing you use the bathroom/have your period/get huge raging zits from time to time, you’re not ready.
Good luck!