01.07.08
Do you ever feel like sometimes you fail as a person?
I feel today like I am barely holding on. On a scale of 1 to 5, with 1 being no control at all, and 5 being totally on it, I am hovering in the 2.0 range in almost every aspect of my life. Work? Maybe 3.0, considering I have two meetings, an early morning overnighter tomorrow, and then two more meetings on Thursday. My love life? Maybe a 2.5 after having successfully dealing with Jameson’s bad mood on Saturday (letting him stew, not taking it personally). But, oh my other relationships? A 1.5. And my own personal sanity? Definitely hovering in the negative numbers.
I admit it, I spend a lot of time with Jameson. And my other friendships suffer for it. I know that when we are young adults, and when we date, the motto was and is, “chicks before dicks.” I used to be really good at this, at making sure I never shafted my friends for a guy I was dating because he was just “a guy I was dating.” But with Jameson, it is different. He is not just a guy I’m dating, he is a guy I can see a future with, a guy with whom I’ve discussed living together (!), a guy that maybe will be in my life forever. It is a first for me, and it is a first for my friends (who are not used to me having this kind of relationship) and I think none of us know how to deal with it. Compile onto this the fact that my cell phone has very spotty reception at his apartment so it is near impossible to get a hold of me at night after dinner and some of my friends are used to me answering the phone in the middle of the night. Some friends have accepted my “I’m so sorry, my life has been crazy busy!” explanation, but others have taken to guilt tripping (and I have taken to feeling guilty) and one even told me that it was my choice to “purposefully downgrade” our friendship.
I don’t want to purposefully downgrade my friendships! I love my friends! On one level I hate that I’m not available for middle of the night phone calls, or spontaneous dinners and drinks anymore, but I don’t know what to do. How do people balance these things? I tend to feel guilty and then overcompensate by spending HOURS on the phone which then leads the friend to believe that I am always available every night for HOURS and then guilt trip me more when the next time they call it takes me a day to get back to them.
It’s especially distressing because some of my friends have been dealing with the same problems for a long time and I want to be able to help them through it and be a good friend but I either don’t have time or don’t know how or what to do. Like my friend with an eating disorder - I’ve suggested therapy, I’ve suggested group meetings, food counselors, getting help generally, but she refuses. She only wants to talk to me about it and only sometimes, and those times ALWAYS occur when I’m rushing around trying to meet a deadline or have a date with Jameson. I want to be a good friend to her, but I don’t know what else to say, and I don’t know what to do. Am I a bad friend?
And then, OH AND THEN, there is taking care of myself. I haven’t done laundry in a month. I haven’t put away clean clothes in two. I can’t remember when the last time I went grocery shopping was. I feel unsettled. And I feel fat - I eat fast food at least four out of the seven nights a week. I never have time to exercise, and I don’t have the money for it. If I don’t even have time to talk to my friends, I have even less time to exercise and do chores! What is wrong with this picture? How can I get it together? I feel like I’m hanging by a thread, barely surviving, and just waiting for something to break.
Drea said,
January 7, 2008 at 4:28 pm
Please don’t feel guilty about moving forward with your life. I am the last single person I know, and sometimes it’s lonely and of course I miss my ladies, but I would never begrudge them their happiness simply because I miss them. Things just change. You can’t stop progress. Your friends will grow up.
Instead of wild weekends boozing at bars now we make time for dinners or yoga class. We may not stay out until 3 am anymore, but my friends (and their husbands) make me feel like I’m still important, and I make them feel like they are still relevant. Things are different, but still great. It can’t be easy to be the first one to move on, but it’ll get easier.
But for heaven’s sake lay off the fast food.
Good luck, and happy new year.
Kenzie said,
January 7, 2008 at 7:15 pm
I know how you feel. And it feels like its your fault but its not! Sometimes you just have to do things differently then realize that theres a better way to do things.
Plus fast food is really hard to say no to. It’s just so easy and there.
Jennifer said,
January 7, 2008 at 9:19 pm
I think it is very important to retain your individuality whether you’re with someone or not. By individuality I mean those personal goals and dreams that you were walking towards before Jameson came in the picture. If you keep those goals in mind, you will feel more centered, and more accomplished. I think you’re friends will respond to that maturity and not only be more respectful of your time, but perhaps reconsider which topics truly deserve their attention as well.
I don’t know if it will last, but I do appreciate that he respects my “me” time.
I will be 26 soon. I am always questioning whether I am making the right choices, or whether I wasted too much time doing whatever. I feel best when I am doing things that help me get to the person I want to be. If it matters I’ve been in a relationship for 7 months. I had to catch myself too
La said,
January 8, 2008 at 5:31 am
You can’t do everything. You need to take care of yourself, first. And everyone knows how you can get immersed in relationships. Your friends should understand that. Relationships evolve, friendships change, and as long as you keep in touch on a fairly regular basis, you should be able to maintain a healthy grasp on your social life. Talk to your friends. Odds are, they’ll understand.
Clink said,
January 8, 2008 at 7:21 am
I totally get it. It’s part of the reason that I use food as the one thing I can control; I can’t seem to control anything else in my life.
And I’ve had the same problem with my friends, mainly because I was the girl who “dated” but not the “serious relationship” girl. Once I found myself in the most serious relationship of my life, they freaked out that I wasn’t able to be there for them like I used to.
Essentially, they’re just going to have to adjust and all you can do is strive for as much balance as possible. I bet when you and Jameson live together (!) it will be even easier, because you can go out with your friends and the come home to him.
Miriam D said,
January 8, 2008 at 9:03 am
When I first dated J, one of my best friends stopped talking to me for three months because I disappeared.
Eventually she came around. Jameson is obviously different from other guys you’ve dated in the past. Your friends will understand… eventually. But there’s going to be a period of resentment. Don’t worry, it’ll pass.
AmyD said,
January 8, 2008 at 9:23 am
Holy crap…did you just climb though my ear and into my head? Because this is my life freaking story! Yeah, the friend guilt and pressure is starting to subside, but only because they now have found someone to devote themselves to…give that time.
As for not feeling settled because you haven’t been able to do any of life’s annoying but necessary chores? That’s a tough one…I finally have to “just say NO” to plans/dates/obligations for a night or weekend and force myself to focus on the things I’ve left on the back burner for too long. If you’re anything like me, it’s slowly eating away at you and causing you to suffer from anxiety and the “I can’t do it all so I won’t do a thing” disease. BLAAAAH. It sucks!!
Take a deep breath, write out a list of things you need to get done, and then take one night this week and one weekend day this weekend to chip away at them. Your sanity - and your relationship(s) - will thank you. Good luck and hang in there!!
Lil' Irish Lass said,
January 8, 2008 at 9:36 am
This is a tough one for sure. I agree with what everyone has said above. If your friends don’t understand, if they can’t be happy for you, how good of friends are they? What will happen when you have children and, understandably, put them first? This is part of life. As we get older, priorities shift. That doesn’t mean you love your friends less, but it’s normal for your significant other to occupy more of your time and emotional energy.
Maybe it’s time to send an email to some of these friends and voice your concerns. Assure them that you still love them, but explain that your life is in transition right now and you might not be ever-available as you once were. If they care about you, they will understand.
Dinkerwald said,
January 8, 2008 at 3:35 pm
Not long ago, faced with a colossal personal calamity, I got some professional advise, it amounted to ;
indecision-lack of clarity in the long view,
prioritize your loyalties !
guilt trips are killers,
Stop It, get a grip, stewing over it will not get anything done.
Worked for me.
JM said,
January 8, 2008 at 5:52 pm
I think all of us go through at least some of what you’re dealing with at some point, if not at many points in our lives. If your friends truly love you, they’ll eventually understand that you’re at a crossroads in your love life. Sometimes it takes friends a bit longer to appreciate and understand new relationships. Sometimes they’re happy that you’re happy, but at the same time they’re jealous and wish they had the same for themselves.
As for the way you feel you’re treating yourself… you’re happy in your relationship so you shouldn’t let the rest of you suffer. It’s okay to take a night for yourself if you need one. Most likely your boyfriend will understand that you need it, and will be that much more excited to see you the next night.
The bottom line is that you’re deserving of a wonderful boy, you’re deserving of wonderful friends, and you’re especially deserving of time to get your home and health in order. And you shouldn’t feel guilty about any of it.
michelle and the city said,
January 10, 2008 at 1:12 pm
it’s hard to balance a love life and friends. coming from someone who has always had serious relationships i can relate. i lost many friends and regret how distant i became with some of them. maybe try to have a weekly or even monthly night scheduled with the girls so it’s something they can always count on?
Rufus said,
January 10, 2008 at 9:53 pm
Dude. Take a break.
You need some serious YOU time. Nice platitudes aside, it’s going to affect your relationship with Mr. Wonderful and the resentments will grow - - mole hills will become mountains, and this is called, “Growing Up.”
Wait … just wait until babies. You think you haven’t done your laundry in weeks? Mount Washmore will pile up like it never has before. Think your friends will miss you? You won’t remember their names, and FORGET them calling at all hours because your living room used to look like the waiting room at Bellevue — the first time it happens, you’ll hang up of your own accord and seriously not feel badly about it.
So take some time NOW while you can.
It’s not cliche. It’s not trite, I’m damn serious.
Take a freakin’ weekend for yourself and turn off the phone, tell Mr. Honey Pie you have the flu and Auntie Flo is on the way - - then do exactly as was suggested up top - - tell your friends that you’re on the verge of a meltdown like they’ve never seen before and you will spend the first and last Wednesday with them.
Or invite them over for a laundry party. Supply the food and drinks — play pictionary and gossip.
But really - - what happened to loving YOU?
Buffy said,
January 13, 2008 at 1:15 pm
I think we all feel like this from time to time. Myself, I’m especially prone to it on Sundays - no idea why. In the end all we have is ourselves. Even though it sometimes seems very difficult, very selfish, to put ourselves above others….really, when balanced nicely, it’s the only thing to do.
libby said,
January 13, 2008 at 10:07 pm
heck yes. i so identify with these post. umm…see last week’s posts. it sounds like you need some TLC for yourself. take it. please. it will make you feel so so much better.
Chelsea said,
January 14, 2008 at 2:36 pm
Of course you’re not a bad friend. I think its hard when youre wrapped up in a relationship you have remember in order for the reltaionship to be balanced the outside parts of your life- they life you dont have together; friends, word, SELF, need to be equally tended to.
But this happens to everyone…sometimes it just takes delegating and remember, especially when it comes to YOURSELF that you are paying attention to your needs.
Jill said,
January 14, 2008 at 3:13 pm
I’m too lazy to read everyone else’s comments so please forgive me if this is redundant. First of all, the most disconcerting part of this post is that you’re not taking care of you. Forget about your friends for a second, YOU need to make the time to feel like you have order in your life, to exercise if that’s important to you, to do your laundry, etc. I felt that way until I moved in with DG because I was literally never home to take care of that stuff. Is that what’s going on? If so, you need to a) move in with him (YAY!), b) spend some time on your own at your place, c) have him stay at your place sometimes so you can get your stuff done.
Regarding your friends, they need to be more understanding. Seriously, it feels pretty unfair that your friends would guilt you for not being available to them 24/7. They should be HAPPY for you!
Anyway, I am sure you’ll work all of this out but just remember that it’s okay to be selfish sometimes.