12.19.07
In the still of the night
The phone rings in the middle of the movie we are watching. It’s Angie, the girl he quasi dated before me (they were friends, she professed a “crush” on him). She’s (apparently) back in town for Christmas. He tells me that they are still friends, that they will probably meet up for a drink when I’m at my grandparents’, but that he’s not interested in her in that way because he has me now.
My phone beeps with a new text message. It is another sad declaration of love from Sebastian: “What can I do to show you how much I love you?” I feel like I’ve been punched in the gut; he’s still happily watching the movie, not even noticing that I got a text message.
We doze off and we both groggily awake in the middle of the night. He tells me that he dreamt that a friend of mine warned him about me, that I was “emotionally unavailable” an that he could do better. “I hope you told my friend in your dream that it was not true,” I replied. “Of course,” he said.
I once heard that all relationships are constantly in a battle of power. If this is true, then I’m definitely losing that battle. A shiver goes through me, even though he is pressed up against me (or am I pressed up against him - does this matter? Maybe it does.). Am I on the verge of losing him to Angie?
Since he told me he loved me, we haven’t mentioned those words at all. Maybe I am emotionally unavailable? Is it my turn to tell him? Would I be giving up my power if I did? Admittedly (HI DINKERWALD!) my first instinct is to bury myself in thoughts of Sebastian - trying to use his empty words as armor, in case Jameson did end up hurting me. Building “contingency plans” that mean absolutely nothing real, telling myself that I would be ok. Being the “cool chick” the strong one, not wanting to show my neurotic feelings, how insecure I am, I know how crazy it sounds and I don’t want him to think I don’t trust him. In the still of the night, the monsters in your head seem to take up the whole room.
I never thought I was a jealous person. I’m not in the beginning. But when I’m invested like this, I get insecure. Shouldn’t it be the other way around? The longer you date, the deeper in love you are, shouldn’t you be more secure about your relationship? More trusting? Jameson has done absolutely everything right in this relationship. When do I get to the point when stuff like prior playlists, and prior quasi-girlfriends and female co-workers don’t bother me anymore? Will I ever get to that point? Is the problem me? It is him? Is it us?
And, Dinkerwald, in case you are wondering: No, I did not respond to Sebastian, and don’t ever plan on doing so. When I cut off communication, I meant it. I’m in this relationship - 1000% - and I’m also 1000% committed to working on whatever trust issues I have. There is (apparently) a fine line between being that great low maintenance easy breezy girlfriend and someone who bottles up all her feelings so that her boyfriend has no idea what she’s thinking. I am working on it - it’ll be my Christmas gift to myself.
Dinkerwald said,
December 19, 2007 at 9:24 pm
Nothing mean-spirited has ever been intended, just straight forward honesty and exposing the duplicity of the double standard that applies in otherwise loving giving relationships.
Relationships are by nature compromises, and the ones that work have to be worked on, committed to and maintained.
Merry Christmas.
kristin said,
December 20, 2007 at 6:32 am
these are really great words. and i think you’re right in being more fearful as you plunge further into a relationship. the deeper in, the more you have to lose. right? i also think that it maybe is your turn to tell him you love him. and that moments like him telling you about his dream are almost (even if subconsciously) his way of searching for answers from you. it’s a lot easier said than done, to tell another person that they should be more open, more vulnerable. but sometimes, as difficult as it is, it is what it is. you should know, though, that i’m in no way applying this to my own life.
AmyD said,
December 20, 2007 at 7:28 am
I’ve always believed that if you are giving all you’ve got to someone, they will have no reason at all to even THINK about leaving/cheating/looking back to past lovers. I’ve cheated once, and it was because I wasn’t getting the emotional support I needed. It had NOTHING to do with sex.
My first thought when Jameson said he’d dreamt one of YOUR friends warned him about your “emotional unavailability” was: CYNTHIA!!! Ha! Hey, I cannot tell a lie.
It’s clear Jameson is wondering in some way about how you really feel about him, or he wouldn’t have a.) had this dream and b.) shared the dream with you. I mean this in the nicest way possible, but maybe it’s time to step it up? Tell HIM you love him, without waiting for him to say it first. You obviously do, after all. What’s the worst that could happen?…
Tilly said,
December 20, 2007 at 7:29 am
I totally agree with Kristin. I have been madly in love (with plenty of ups and downs) for over a year and the insecurity is still exposed at times, but the more open and communicative I am about it, the less bitchy and unexcusably harsh and judgemental and accusatory I am. He can understand where I’m coming from, only if I let him in and let him see that. It sounds like he loves you, as in, he loves all of you, even the not so shiny parts. But it’s up to you to let him.
Sarah said,
December 20, 2007 at 9:16 am
The fact that Angie admitted she had a crush on him, does not make her his quasi-girlfriend. Also, in my relationship, we didn’t say I love you again after the initial time for awhile because we weren’t ready for it. But if you are, now’s a great time to tell him
Michelle & the City said,
December 20, 2007 at 3:54 pm
go you for not responding to sebastian! and like sarah said i wouldn’t worry about not having said “i love you” to each other again yet. it’ll come naturally.
Miriam D said,
December 21, 2007 at 7:40 am
I’ve been in a serious relationship for five years, and the insecurities really never go away. I don’t like to think of it as a battle of power between the partners and the people who seemingly threaten that bond. I think of it as a battle with myself to accept the fact that he loves me and won’t stop no matter what I do.
Happy Holidays!
Clink said,
December 21, 2007 at 8:57 am
The insecurities never really go away, as others have said. They just diminish as your relationship gets stronger and stronger.
I read this post and both felt for you and felt better about myself, because it’s nice to know that I’m not alone in letting the Crazy get to me sometimes.
A Lil' Irish Lass said,
December 23, 2007 at 10:12 pm
Tell Jameson you love him already!
blogging barbie said,
December 27, 2007 at 1:22 pm
oh honey….i’ve been there. damn the crazy. while m and i are better than we’ve been in a long time, it hasn’t really gone away. and i have NEVER been like this in a relationship- i’m usually not the jealous type. i think maybe because i feel for him so strongly, i’m so afraid of it slipping away?
and seriously….don’t be afraid to tell jamison your feelings….it takes courage to open up and love someone. and you my dear, are just that.
(p.s. props to ignoring sea-bass.)
xo, bb