12.31.07
Posted in Relationship ups and downs at 1:38 pm by Nicole
Ok, I know that was kind of lame, but I’m working on short notice. I really want to do this year in review post, but I don’t really know how to start it or what to say. 2007 was a seminal year, to be sure. I see it divided in two ways: (1) Pre-Jameson and post-Jameson; and (2) Pre-new job and post-new job. Mostly, I guess you could say that 2007 was the year I grew up.
In January 2007, I was in love with a man that was not in love with me (or that couldn’t love me the way I deserved, whichever). I defined my life not by “being happy” but by how many nights a week I went out and how many times I could get him to say that he loved me. He broke up with me in mid-January, and I was heartbroken for a month. I met another man, SP, who taught me that perfect men “on paper” are sometimes not perfect men in real life. And that it was better to be alone than to settle for something not-quite-perfect. Up through June (when Sebastian moved away) was constant relationship drama - getting my heart bruised every other day, floating on cloud nine the other times. I was addicted to the drama.
In July I met Jameson and my world changed. It wasn’t anything that he did (except maybe love me), but suddenly, I could see that my life was more than just bars and clubs and how many nights I could go out. Suddenly, I thought about what I was doing with my life, what I wanted to do with it; thinking about the future, hoping that he would be in it. And, I know that I needed that time with Sebastian to learn and grow, but I also know now that I can’t go back to him (or that life) ever again.
In 2008, I’m hoping to learn about life as part of a couple - an honest to god one. I’m sure there will be a lot of bumps along the way, but I’m ready. Bring it on! Happy New Year, everyone!!
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12.28.07
Posted in Relationship ups and downs at 4:56 pm by Nicole
I said it in a card, that I left in his car after he dropped me off at the airport. He didn’t have drinks with Angie (even though I said I would understand if he did), we missed each other desperately over Christmas (vowing never to be apart that long again), and when I got back, he told me again. Sigh. And this time I said it back.
Happy Holidays, everyone!
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12.19.07
Posted in I've Got Issues. at 5:22 pm by Nicole
The phone rings in the middle of the movie we are watching. It’s Angie, the girl he quasi dated before me (they were friends, she professed a “crush” on him). She’s (apparently) back in town for Christmas. He tells me that they are still friends, that they will probably meet up for a drink when I’m at my grandparents’, but that he’s not interested in her in that way because he has me now.
My phone beeps with a new text message. It is another sad declaration of love from Sebastian: “What can I do to show you how much I love you?” I feel like I’ve been punched in the gut; he’s still happily watching the movie, not even noticing that I got a text message.
We doze off and we both groggily awake in the middle of the night. He tells me that he dreamt that a friend of mine warned him about me, that I was “emotionally unavailable” an that he could do better. “I hope you told my friend in your dream that it was not true,” I replied. “Of course,” he said.
I once heard that all relationships are constantly in a battle of power. If this is true, then I’m definitely losing that battle. A shiver goes through me, even though he is pressed up against me (or am I pressed up against him - does this matter? Maybe it does.). Am I on the verge of losing him to Angie?
Since he told me he loved me, we haven’t mentioned those words at all. Maybe I am emotionally unavailable? Is it my turn to tell him? Would I be giving up my power if I did? Admittedly (HI DINKERWALD!) my first instinct is to bury myself in thoughts of Sebastian - trying to use his empty words as armor, in case Jameson did end up hurting me. Building “contingency plans” that mean absolutely nothing real, telling myself that I would be ok. Being the “cool chick” the strong one, not wanting to show my neurotic feelings, how insecure I am, I know how crazy it sounds and I don’t want him to think I don’t trust him. In the still of the night, the monsters in your head seem to take up the whole room.
I never thought I was a jealous person. I’m not in the beginning. But when I’m invested like this, I get insecure. Shouldn’t it be the other way around? The longer you date, the deeper in love you are, shouldn’t you be more secure about your relationship? More trusting? Jameson has done absolutely everything right in this relationship. When do I get to the point when stuff like prior playlists, and prior quasi-girlfriends and female co-workers don’t bother me anymore? Will I ever get to that point? Is the problem me? It is him? Is it us?
And, Dinkerwald, in case you are wondering: No, I did not respond to Sebastian, and don’t ever plan on doing so. When I cut off communication, I meant it. I’m in this relationship - 1000% - and I’m also 1000% committed to working on whatever trust issues I have. There is (apparently) a fine line between being that great low maintenance easy breezy girlfriend and someone who bottles up all her feelings so that her boyfriend has no idea what she’s thinking. I am working on it - it’ll be my Christmas gift to myself.
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12.14.07
Posted in Dating Diaries, Relationship ups and downs at 2:51 pm by Nicole
Thanks for the “you don’t know how incomplete my life is without you”text message in the middle of the night. I sense this is a pattern for you: radio silence for weeks at a time, then a random text message. The text message varies in urgency from “I love you, I can’t live without you!” to “Do you know how to fix a blackberry?” I haven’t responded to any of them, and everytime I think that I’ve heard the last from you (since weeks have passed) I get another random text message. How do you have such impeccable timing?
The very fact that you are sending me text messages once a month but proclaiming your undying love just reinforces the fact that we have…very different interpretations of being in love and being in a relationship. Obviously, I would think that if you loved someone, you would be in contact more frequently - and maybe even ask how the other person is doing - instead of just making dramatic declaratory statements without any follow through. It is easy to type and hit send; it is harder to actually be in a relationship.
I know the difference now. Before, I used to fall for your grand statements. I used to think that you’d one day back them up. Now I see that you are all talk no action. And now? Could you please just stop with the text messages? I’m not going to change my mind, I’m not going to take you back and go back to the non-relationship we had. It’s too little too late, and while I never say never, I will say that when I envision my ideal future, it looks a lot more like what I have right now with Jameson than what it ever looked like with you.
I wish I could tell you these things. But then again, maybe my silence speaks for itself.
Goodbye, Nicole.
***
Also: I bought the nano (engraved!) so I can’t return and get a new gift. I hope he still likes it….
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12.11.07
Posted in Relationship ups and downs, I've Got Issues. at 5:44 pm by Nicole
Hello? Have we met? I’m Nicole and I LIKE TO CREATE DRAMA IN MY RELATIONSHIP EVEN WHEN THERE IS NONE.
A little backstory: Have you seen the new iPod Nanos? Super teensy and cute and looks amazing right? And from what I could tell, Jameson was operating off a busted ass clunky regular iPod from, like two years ago. So, I decided to buy him a nano for Christmas! And it was going to be fabulous! And red, because we are philanthropic! And engraved! And he can take it hiking with him and it won’t weigh him down! And he can watch videos on that little screen! I have been patting myself on the back about this for almost a month, people.
So last night, when Jameson was in the shower, I decided to take a quick peek at his current iPod just to see how exactly old that old clunker was. I peered at it and noticed it was red, score! I knew he would like that color! And then I turned it on and…it looked suspiciously like a “newer” VIDEO iPod. Oh, shit. Did he already have a pretty new iPod and would have no real use for a nano?
I clicked around to try and see the date of his iPod and LO AND BEHOLD, what do I find? Oh yes, a playlist, named “Angie” which was the name of a girl that he was quasi-dating right before we met. And I click on the playlist, and it is all Modest Mouse-y songs, including a song by Interpol that I had just (in my own head) started to refer to as “our song”.
Ok. A few things. I KNOW that the playlist was probably made before he even met me. Hell, I have playlists named after my past three boyfriends on my iTunes, so I know how it goes. And the Interpol song WAS a coincidence; I heard it on the radio, and knew he liked Interpol, I liked the song, so I dubbed it “our song” - I don’t think I ever even told him.
I know all this but The Crazy started to take over nonetheless. Did he burn her a CD to show her how much he cared? He has never burned me a CD! Does he still keep in touch with Angie? He told me that she was transferred to a different department, I wonder if they still talk? Angie, if I remember correctly, is 22 and probably a model with an Ivy League degree. And how the HELL did Angie manage to steal our song??
So, let’s just break it down for y’all so that we know the score: Realizing that the Christmas gift I so carefully picked out was maybe NOT the perfect Christmas gift, like I originally thought? CHECK. Seeing YET another reminder of the fact that Jameson had a (romantic) life before he met me? CHECK. Losing out on a “song” because it appears to have already been claimed? CHECK.
Sigh. For those of you keeping score at home, that would be The Universe that Keeps Constantly Testing Me +3, My Frazzled Nerves - 1 gazillion.
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12.10.07
Posted in Relationship ups and downs, I've Got Issues. at 3:10 pm by Nicole
Ok, well, now we know that I really really like this one. (Okay, I love him. Sigh.) I’ve known this for quite some time, of course, because of how good he is to me, because of how well we fit together, because he can make me laugh. But, until now, it has been a sort of insular kind of love, something shared between the two of us - a bubble that we created. And I say “until now” to mean, “until the night of his company’s Christmas party.”
Jameson works at a fairly large company, with a pretty elaborate Christmas party. (Open bar? Yes, please.) I knew exactly no one there besides him, and I was debuted as “the new girlfriend.” This was fine with me - and I had picked out a new silver-blue dress to debut myself - until about an hour or so into the party when everyone started loosening up. (Damn you, open bar!) It suddenly seemed to me that all the co-workers that were coming up to him were female, and it also suddenly seemed to me that they all were giving me the once over, and FLIRTING WITH MY MAN ANYWAY.
And instead of being excited and happy to spend time with him and get to know his work friends, I started to get really insecure. It dawned on me that he had a whole other life that I barely knew about, surrounded by tons of other women that I wasn’t aware of. (22 year old, beautiful women! I am most definitely NOT 22 years old.) I realized that he existed outside of the safe relationship bubble that we created. God, do these women flirt with him on a daily basis? Does he talk about me with them? Why have I never heard him mention this Josie before and why does she seem like a taller thinner version of me?
Yup, my friends, it was no bueno. So I gave myself a stern talking to: “Self: He is the same guy you fell in love with. If he wanted to date Josie, or one of the billion other girls he works with, he would have done so and would not have pursued you. Clearly, you have something to offer the relationship, there is a reason why he loves YOU, why he comes home to YOU, why he chooses YOU.” And I managed to rein in my passive aggressive bitchiness and managed to avoid any drama this weekend.
And this morning? He sent me an email that said, “Everyone teases me that all my sentences start with, ‘My girlfriend…’ I’m so glad that everyone got to meet you and see just how fantastic you are!” Sigh. I knew I loved him for a reason.
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