11.19.07
On Settling and Self-Doubt. Or, Just Making the Best Out of What You Got.
Warning: This is totally just me rambling, I have really no idea what I’m talking about or where I’m trying to go with this. But, it did feel better to write it all out!
I settle all the time. Frankly, this new job isn’t a perfect job, but it is a job that pays me enough money, and so I settled for it. I didn’t specifically speak with Jameson about his myspace, but we had a conversation about cheating and the state of our relationship and I settled for that. I had ten things on my to-do list for today, and I settled for doing two of them.
Maybe I am being too hard on myself? Is the difference between me and another person is that I double (triple) think everything and another person would not? That I don’t have confidence in myself, my relationships, my decisions? Is it all just how we spin things to ourselves?
I think a lot of reasons why I think relationships are hard, or that life is hard is that I have this idealized vision of what it should be in my head. My life should be like Sex and the City (including the fabulous outfits and and the unlimited supply of Manolos), but it just…isn’t. I literally wore mis-matched sweats, no makeup, and flip flops to the grocery store just now. My hair, if I don’t spend hours “doing it” looks like a rat’s nest. Then I start the cycle of doubt where I beat myself up for everything that “isn’t” in my life.
And I forget all the good things in my life, and that I am actually happy. I absolutely HATED my previous job and the only thing it was good for was that it sounded cool when it really wasn’t. I have great friends and a FANTASTIC boyfriend and a relationship that has 1000% less drama than my previous one. I am learning and growing and I am a good person and while I don’t look photo shoot ready all the time (or even half the time), maybe it is because I’d rather spend quality time with people over margaritas and nachos than go to the gym. I prioritize, balance, and compromise in life and in relationships, but, in the end, I can say I’m doing the best I can, and really, isn’t that all anyone can say?
Margarita said,
November 19, 2007 at 7:54 pm
I totally feel you. I have this vision of what life should be like in my head and I fall short so I think I’m not living up to my full potential, but then I know that I’m happy, have great friends and family, and why am I complaining? I almost feel like no one really lives that perfect life we strive for and we just think they do. They probably have their own set of problems and imperfections and things they’re unhappy with about themselves.
Amy said,
November 20, 2007 at 3:46 am
Oh man, I so could have written this– minus my lack of boyfriend of course. lol
I think we don’t really have the best perspective on our own lives and what we THINK our lives should be are what they are to other people, if that makes sense…
Lil' Irish Lass said,
November 20, 2007 at 7:09 am
I’m right there with you, Nicole.
Hope said,
November 20, 2007 at 8:19 am
I think this was a really interesting post because a lot of the time I catch myself thinking, “How is THIS my life? Where did it all go wrong?” But then when I really think about it, I am happy and nothing has gone THAT wrong.
What I’ve learned is that I just had stupid expectations of what type of life I want to have. Once I adjust my expectations to exist in reality (I don’t see it as settling) I don’t feel so crappy about my life.
Great post!
AmyD said,
November 20, 2007 at 8:43 am
I think the important thing to remember is that in Sex and the City? Their lives were ANYTHING but perfect! Sure, on the surface, they had fun jobs, great clothes and beautiful apartments (but, duh, they had designers..). Yet, they constantly struggled with life, personal assessment and growth, love and happiness. The only thing they pretty much always had going for them was each other - friendship that lasted no matter how messy they were inside and out. Maybe that should be your focus. I can assure that the REAL you (”rat’s nest” hair and all) is what attracts the REAL people who will love you whether you had time to put makeup on or not. I truly believe you are closer to that now then you were when I first started reading your blog…and that, in my opinion, is proof that you are doing better than you think.
michelle said,
November 20, 2007 at 5:23 pm
this post is COMPLETELY relatable. i think we all get like that once in awhile. and especially in relationships we set high expectations because of what we see in tv or movies, but there’s something that always brings up back down to earth again and remind us we really are happy