11.30.07
Posted in Relationship ups and downs, I've Got Issues. at 3:58 pm by Nicole
Okay, apparently this week is bag on the boyfriend week. But, y’all know what I’m talking about, right? Those little things that just get. under. your. skin. about your otherwise fantastic, fabulous boyfriend. And it is not necessarily things he does, more like…touchy subjects. Like, for me, those celebs will always annoy me. Other things: His “work” relationship with Cynthia (remember her?), his myspace that he never checks and has since updated, but STILL, and Romy, his friend’s wife, whom he admires to no end. Because she’s a brain surgeon! But she’s also a ballet dancer! (Whatever.)
It’s not such a big deal, just more like a little pang whenever the topic comes up. And I’m sure that he has some touchy topics that concern me as well. I’ve got to believe that there are touchy topics like these in every relationship. Right?
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11.29.07
Posted in Relationship ups and downs at 11:48 am by Nicole
Thank you for all the lovely comments on the last post. I even got a lovely comment from Dinkerwald (at least, I am going to assume it was lovely and not sarcastic)! I love love too, and walking on air, etc. is fabulous and all that, but I know it is not realistic and can’t last forever.
Which is probably why my irrational mind decided to take a FEW COMMENTS made SEPARATELY and IN PASSING and blow them out of proportion so I could find those kinks in the armor that I was looking for. Note, the actual comments made are as follows: (1) “I think that girl in Love Acutally and Pirates is pretty perfect;” (2) “I think Jessica Alba is gorgeous;” and (3) “Beyonce is hot.”
Ok, I KNOW I am crazy. I KNOW I am just being overly sensitive (SHOCKER!). Everyone thinks celebs are hot and it doesn’t mean that he’d pick them over me or whatever, like it would even be a possibility. At least this time I managed to keep my sensitivity and emotions in check and just get miffed and move on, instead of bitchy and catty. I think that is making progress, right?
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11.26.07
Posted in Relationship ups and downs at 2:48 pm by Nicole
Things are good, really good. We spent five straight days together and didn’t get sick of each other or fight, really, at all. We are touchy and affectionate and I don’t really care if it is cheesy and annoying to other people because when he absent mindedly kisses the top of my head when we are waiting for a table or grabs my hand in Starbucks, my heart explodes. It’s come so that I can’t even imagine not curling up next to him each and every night.
On Saturday, we were out with my friends and he said something and I said something and then he responded with, “It’s because I…I love you.” I smiled and kissed him. I’ve been walking on air ever since.
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11.22.07
Posted in Dating Diaries at 10:39 am by Nicole
Examples of text messages I have received in the past couple weeks:
“I love you and will never hurt you again. Can you just trust me Nicole? Please.”
“Please! I want to get my girl back. I’ll do anything and change anything for you, babe. How much more can I beg?”
Hmm. I feel bad, but it is just too late. What should I do?
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11.21.07
Posted in Random Thoughts at 3:25 pm by Nicole
Some things for which I am thankful:
- Thanksgiving with Jameson and his family. Should be interesting.
- My health - physical, mental, emotional (heh, for the most part).
- This blog and all the friends I have made through it. I cannot tell you how much more…connected I feel when I read all of your comments on my posts and your blogs.
- That it is a gorgeous day and there is a promise of red velvet cupcakes in the future.
- That I am going home for Christmas.
Sigh. Despite my neuroses, things are pretty good, people.
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11.19.07
Posted in I've Got Issues. at 6:48 pm by Nicole
Warning: This is totally just me rambling, I have really no idea what I’m talking about or where I’m trying to go with this. But, it did feel better to write it all out!
I settle all the time. Frankly, this new job isn’t a perfect job, but it is a job that pays me enough money, and so I settled for it. I didn’t specifically speak with Jameson about his myspace, but we had a conversation about cheating and the state of our relationship and I settled for that. I had ten things on my to-do list for today, and I settled for doing two of them.
Maybe I am being too hard on myself? Is the difference between me and another person is that I double (triple) think everything and another person would not? That I don’t have confidence in myself, my relationships, my decisions? Is it all just how we spin things to ourselves?
I think a lot of reasons why I think relationships are hard, or that life is hard is that I have this idealized vision of what it should be in my head. My life should be like Sex and the City (including the fabulous outfits and and the unlimited supply of Manolos), but it just…isn’t. I literally wore mis-matched sweats, no makeup, and flip flops to the grocery store just now. My hair, if I don’t spend hours “doing it” looks like a rat’s nest. Then I start the cycle of doubt where I beat myself up for everything that “isn’t” in my life.
And I forget all the good things in my life, and that I am actually happy. I absolutely HATED my previous job and the only thing it was good for was that it sounded cool when it really wasn’t. I have great friends and a FANTASTIC boyfriend and a relationship that has 1000% less drama than my previous one. I am learning and growing and I am a good person and while I don’t look photo shoot ready all the time (or even half the time), maybe it is because I’d rather spend quality time with people over margaritas and nachos than go to the gym. I prioritize, balance, and compromise in life and in relationships, but, in the end, I can say I’m doing the best I can, and really, isn’t that all anyone can say?
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11.15.07
Posted in Dating Diaries, Random Thoughts at 5:24 pm by Nicole
I’ve been in and out of computer time, but wanted to thank all my fabulous blog friends for all your supportive words and advice! I promise to post a more detailed entry soon, but by way of a quick update here are some things:
1.) I GOT A NEW JOB! (Sigh of relief.)
2.) Jameson and I are back to normal. I didn’t fess up to the myspace thing, but I did initiate a conversation about his myspace and the prior girls and I just feel a lot better about things. I also apologized for being “moody” and he did too.
3.) I think I did open a can of worms with the phone call to Sebastian. (Just because, hello, apparently, my life cannot be drama-free.)
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11.11.07
Posted in Relationship ups and downs at 6:28 pm by Nicole
Blogging on a Sunday night is never a good sign, now is it?
First, about Dinkerwald’s comment in the previous post: I actually debated whether I should approve it or not. Because while I don’t mind the occasional tough love comment to set me straight, what is up with the attitude and the broad based attacks on all of us? Dinkerwald, if you are reading, save your criticisms for me, leave my blog friends out of it! They are just being supportive, which is what friends do. (Also, even though I know I sound defensive: While I do acknowledge the double standard, I maintain that my motives were pure in both calling Sebastian and also not telling Jameson.)
Yesterday was one of those days in relationship-hood, in which it felt like everything was off between the two of us (also why I created a whole new category for these types of posts). Why does this happen sometimes? I mean, it has happened to me before, but with other guys that I knew were not good for me in the long run (see: Sebastian) and so I would just shrug it off as more evidence that these guys were not good for me in the long run. But, when it happens with Jameson I get a little nervous because while I don’t tell my “real life” friends this, I do secretly, sometimes think that this could be it for me and he could be The One.
It started off so well. We woke up and he pulled me close to him and said something like, “I’ve been looking forward to this all week.” We were that cheesy blissful couple at McDonald’s getting coffee and Egg McMuffins. We separated to run errands with firm plans to meet back up sooner rather than later. Which is where everything went to shit.
Before meeting back up with Jameson, I quickly logged on to myspace. There, I saw that Sebastian had messaged me. (DING! Residual Guilt!) It wasn’t a big deal message, just a friendly message seeing what was going on with me, but I wonder if I have opened a can of worms with last week’s phone call.
Because I am an IDIOT, I also checked Jameson’s page. Let me backtrack for a minute - Jameson has a myspace page that he rarely checks, updates, or uses. I glanced at it once, in the beginning of our relationship, but didn’t really read it (it’s funny how in the beginning of a relationship, you don’t care about the other girls in their lives, huh?) and haven’t really looked at it since because I know he doesn’t update it. But yesterday I looked at it and there, on his page, was a comment about how he had a crush on some other girl on myspace. And then a comment from this girl how she “loves” him too. (”I love yous” are nagging me, because when are we going to say it to each other?) And cute pictures of him that this crush girl could see. And even though all this happened months and months ago, before I even met him, I still felt a stabbing pang in my chest and the jealousy and insecurities began to rise up and I went from one half of a blissful couple to a crazy, insecure, immature bitch.
He called me to see when I was coming over. I said, “Soon.” He, hearing my curt tone, asked what was wrong. “Nothing,” I replied.
I tried to put it out of my head over dinner with friends, and thought I was pretty successful in doing so. But now in retrospect, I think I may have let my insecure bitch leak out in other ways, notably: Name checking a guy I dated before meeting him, talking about my “game”, referencing his sweater as “Harry Potter cute”, and jokingly stating that I was dating him for his “mind, not his body”.
Of course, when we got back to my place, he was pissy. I was trying to be conscillatory (not realizing what a bitch I had been) and then I was getting hurt because he was ignoring my attempts to be nice. He asked me what was wrong, I said “nothing.” I asked him back, he said the same. We both went to sleep on opposite sides of the bed.
Today, it has been better but not back to normal. I was uncharacteristically quiet, as was he. And now I wonder if I should bring it up, and if so, what do I say? I mean, this whole myspace thing is so not a big deal to any rational person. And, taking that out of the context, I don’t know, was I being that obnoxious over dinner? What if there is something else going on with him that I’m not even aware of?
Clearly, we need to talk, but I hate these types of talks. I will just have to suck it up, I guess. But, please, can you all tell me - does this kind of thing happen in normal healthy relationships (at least every once in a while)? Because if not, hooo boy, am I screwed.
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11.08.07
Posted in Dating Diaries at 9:15 am by Nicole
Dear Jameson,
Please please please do not misunderstand. I love our relationship, and I am very serious about you. I could truly see us going the distance, you could really be “the One.”
So I have to confess: I called Sebastian. It wasn’t to flirt, it was honestly more out of…pity? I thought of him, lonely and alone, and my heart broke for him. I just wanted to know that he was ok. The conversation was straighforward - he regrets how he treated me, but didn’t (couldn’t) vow to change. I told him I had moved on and that I know what I want and I know he can’t give it to me. We can’t be friends, but I want us to be on good terms.
And I can never tell you this. And I know how unfair this seems, and how, if it were me and you were calling your ex and not telling me because you claim it was nothing at all I would be totally heart broken. Furious. Hurt. But if I told you, I feel like I’d break more than your heart. I’d break us. And I really couldn’t bear that.
So I’m not going to contact him anymore. He knows where I stand and how I feel. And so please, let’s never speak of this ever again.
Love, Nicole.
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11.02.07
Posted in Random Thoughts at 2:52 pm by Nicole
Quick poll:
What is easier, finding a significant other or finding a significant new job?
I, of course, believe it is the latter. Sigh.
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