10.19.07
I KNEW IT.
Was it Bridget Jones that said that it is a truth universally acknowledged that as soon as one part of your life starts going ok, another falls spectacularly to pieces? Yup, well. Jameson and I have been doing well. He nursed me through the sore throat of death two weeks ago. I went to brunch with him and his father. We discussed going away on vacation next month. Everything was going great. Still, I had this not-so-fabulous feeling. Like something was going to go wrong.
And then I’m blindsided at work - the company I work for is not doing well financially and they are making some cuts and, well, I have a head’s up that I must look for a job soon. VERY SOON. Like last week, soon.
And granted, I hated my job and wanted to leave. But I was banking on more time to figure out my next moves. Now I don’t have that luxury. And rent is due and I have high credit card bills left over from Jamaica, and student loans and…well, you see what I mean.
Jameson has been FANTASTIC through all this. I feel a little guilty being such a drama queen - one week it is the sore throat of death (where he took off work early to bring me soup) and the next week it is OHMYGOD! INEEDANEWJOB! - even though it is not my fault. But the thing is, I have that “Cool Chick Armor” where I want to project this totally together illusion all the time, and well, while being “sick” is not totally together, no longer having a job is, well, NOT ACCEPTABLE. So I’ve only told him generally what’s going on, omitting how thoroughly worried I actually am. And I AM worried. And sometimes, if I obsess over it long enough, I just want to lock myself in a room and cry at how this could have happened to me and why do these things always seem to happen where if it is not one thing it is another and how I’m like a paycheck away from not being able to pay my bills. But I hesitate to let him see that because cool chicks? They don’t cry. And they don’t get phased by things like this.
Maybe I’m trying to delude MYSELF even more so than him? Sigh.
PS: I noticed around the internets that this has been a particularly shitty week for a lot of us. I must say, THANK GOODNESS for these blogs! I’m sending good vibes out to all my blog friends!
A Lil' Irish Lass said,
October 20, 2007 at 9:02 am
Oh no! Hang in there, Nicole. It HAS been a horrible week. People keep telling me that it has to get better, so I’m passing that along to you. And don’t be afraid to lean on Jameson…he seems great (though I know it’s scary to be vulnerable around a guy you really care for - I’ve known Raj for seven years and I know that he loves me etc etc…but, even though we’re “just friends” at this point…I still keep particularly wild drama off his radar screen…I feel like he’ll freak out or something).
libby said,
October 20, 2007 at 6:53 pm
awww that’s rough!!! its good he’s been so great - but of course, its always good to be conscious of cool chick armor for sure! keep it cool and collected and in the same sitch, I’d save some freakouts for the privacy of your room
Amy said,
October 22, 2007 at 10:27 pm
oh man! I was sick last week too and also laid off… so i feel your stress too. sigh.
Michelle said,
October 23, 2007 at 6:38 am
trust me i completely understand trying to keep it together in front of him. and it is a hard feat. trying going thru a breakup and having breakdowns while he’s in the same house. yeah. hard stuff.
but i’ve lived and i’ve learned. and my next relationship? all that stuff stays behind closed doors for a long time.
Sarah said,
October 23, 2007 at 8:14 am
Seriously- cool chicks would cry over the job thing. What would they buy shoes with? Go ahead and trust him with your feelings. He sounds worth it.
AmyD said,
October 23, 2007 at 9:27 am
Oh no!! I’m so sorry to hear this.
At least you got a little bit of a head’s up…and you DO have Jameson in your life to support you emotionally through this tough time. If nothing else, focus on that.
As for cook chicks not crying, then that must mean I’m REALLLLLLLY uncool, because I cry like a mutha.
Good luck with the job search - keep us posted!!
golytlee said,
October 24, 2007 at 3:38 pm
crap! similar situation with the company I work(ed) for…and the guy I’m seeing was great during all my stressing the F out. It’s great to have a stable, nice & steady guy to be there for you when it gets rough. sick times and all. good luck out there!
blogging barbie said,
October 30, 2007 at 11:17 am
ohhh hun! that sucks. hang in there, i’ll keep my fingers crossed for you. good vibes for your job search, being sent your way!
xo, bb