10.31.07
Posted in Dating Diaries at 5:29 pm by Nicole
I haven’t really felt like partying, or going out, or being social now that I’m under the threat of unemployment. Really, there is nothing like not having a job (and therefore no money) to put the brakes on any thoughts of good times. It is Halloween and I could care less about dressing up or going to parties or even handing out candy. I miss my old self. The one that would go to drinks on a weeknight. The one that would have taken a week to plan the perfect Halloween costume. The one that wasn’t worried about…everything. The one that had the aura that bad things didn’t happen to her. (Some may say that I’m taking this potential layoff rather personally…I know.)
Oddly enough, Jameson doesn’t really mind. He would rather stay in and watch movies than go out anyway. But I feel like a bad girlfriend for being so mopey. For only being able to talk about job interviews and my career path and worry - or, worse, not talk at all about anything and shutting him out from the gory details of my life. I’ve never been good at the role of the victim.
So tonight, in an effort to revert back to Old Me (Me of Two Weeks Ago) I’m going to try and not worry about the future while pretending that I’m not worried at all. I’ll put on my sexy nurse costume from two years ago, and try and just have a good time. We’ll see how that goes.
In other news, I got a text message from Sebastian recently, and to which I haven’t responded: “I still love you and hate myself for all the shit I’ve put you through. I want you back so badly Nicole.” Sigh. This has DISASTER written all over it.
Permalink
10.25.07
Posted in Random Thoughts at 1:20 pm by Nicole
It’s funny how when something life changing happens to you that you weren’t really expecting, everything else just sort of gets put on hold. I’m sorry I haven’t been updating! I’m still in the throes of trying to find another job, dealing with my current job, and TRYING to stop worrying about how I can make rent until the end of the year. I feel like everyone’s life is bouncing along, progressing, and mine is just a black hole of NOTHING and WORRY.
I’ve sent out maybe 30 resumes. I’ve been on a few interviews. While I’ve gotten a couple “we really like yous,” I haven’t gotten ANY firm job offers. Everyone tells me to be patient, but time? I don’t have a lot of it.
Ideally, I can get an offer by the end of the month (is that too optimistic?), cash in my vacation days, and take some time off before I start it all over again somewhere else. Sigh. They didn’t tell me about this part of “real life” when I was growing up.
Permalink
10.19.07
Posted in Dating Diaries, Random Thoughts at 2:08 pm by Nicole
Was it Bridget Jones that said that it is a truth universally acknowledged that as soon as one part of your life starts going ok, another falls spectacularly to pieces? Yup, well. Jameson and I have been doing well. He nursed me through the sore throat of death two weeks ago. I went to brunch with him and his father. We discussed going away on vacation next month. Everything was going great. Still, I had this not-so-fabulous feeling. Like something was going to go wrong.
And then I’m blindsided at work - the company I work for is not doing well financially and they are making some cuts and, well, I have a head’s up that I must look for a job soon. VERY SOON. Like last week, soon.
And granted, I hated my job and wanted to leave. But I was banking on more time to figure out my next moves. Now I don’t have that luxury. And rent is due and I have high credit card bills left over from Jamaica, and student loans and…well, you see what I mean.
Jameson has been FANTASTIC through all this. I feel a little guilty being such a drama queen - one week it is the sore throat of death (where he took off work early to bring me soup) and the next week it is OHMYGOD! INEEDANEWJOB! - even though it is not my fault. But the thing is, I have that “Cool Chick Armor” where I want to project this totally together illusion all the time, and well, while being “sick” is not totally together, no longer having a job is, well, NOT ACCEPTABLE. So I’ve only told him generally what’s going on, omitting how thoroughly worried I actually am. And I AM worried. And sometimes, if I obsess over it long enough, I just want to lock myself in a room and cry at how this could have happened to me and why do these things always seem to happen where if it is not one thing it is another and how I’m like a paycheck away from not being able to pay my bills. But I hesitate to let him see that because cool chicks? They don’t cry. And they don’t get phased by things like this.
Maybe I’m trying to delude MYSELF even more so than him? Sigh.
PS: I noticed around the internets that this has been a particularly shitty week for a lot of us. I must say, THANK GOODNESS for these blogs! I’m sending good vibes out to all my blog friends!
Permalink
10.16.07
Posted in General at 7:11 pm by Anna
Someone forwarded me an email today from a “relationship guru” which basically said that the divorce rate is now over 50%, and the divorce rate for 2nd marriages is even higher - over 60%. And the reason for this is that we look for the wrong things in relationships: most of us try to find the mate that will make us happy and fulfill our needs, and while this is a natural human desire it is basically impossible to achieve.
She said relationships mirror the parts of ourselves that create our own happiness, and…reflect the parts of ourselves that need healing and introspection. That’s why we keep attracting the same patterns and tendencies in men and relationships that don’t work - we need to figure out those issues somehow, within ourselves first. Then our relationships will manifest differently.
It makes sense, but sounds so unromantic! Have I been looking for love in all the wrong places? That means all my images of a knight in shining armor are nothing more than immature fantasies and it’s time for me to grow up and see the men in my life for who they really are - imperfect human beings who will surely share good times with me, and almost certainly hurt me at times, as well. And it’s all part of the human mix we called romance, and there’s nothing wrong with it.
It also means no judgements, no grudges…
Of course, I’m not as stupid as I may sound…I’ve heard all this before. But to be totally honest, I haven’t always lived by it. A part of me has been holding onto childhood standards of a fairytale Prince. And now I’m realizing not only is that unreal, it’s also unfair because no man can ever win with me and…I can never get my expectations met….
I need a change of attitude!
Permalink
10.13.07
Posted in General at 7:19 pm by Anna
Hi Y’all!
Thanks so much for your advice on my S&M quandry. (Post titled: Red Flag?)
Here’s the scoop: He called again the next day and I was so freaked out, I felt like I needed time to center myself before responding, or else I’d make a mess of things. So I texted him and said I couldn’t talk because I was working late. I thought about all your comments - about trying something new, and I thought a lot about trust.
It’s true I like him a lot, and the sex is undeniably hot. But can I say I have absolute trust in him? No, not yet. Trust is a tricky thing for me. How do you, or I, or anyone get to that place?
I think it comes down to self trust in a way. Yes, I have to protect myself, my emotional boundaries, as you guys said. And do I trust myself to do that in a possible S&M situation? Not yet because I don’t know what I want quite yet…
If I do this with him, what is my real motive? Is it fear of losing him to someone more adventurous? Am I doing it because I like him and want to please him? Or because of my own curiousity? I think all 3 come into play. But I don’t want to do it out of fear of losing him, or fear of anything - if I do, I’m not being true to myself, and then it’s harder to trust myself.
And if I can’t trust myself, how can I possibly trust my partner? And how can I enjoy something that requires so much trust, and can be so potentially delicious?
So I called him the next day and said I missed him and I wasn’t ready for S&M yet, but I am curious and I might like to try it in the near future (some of you guys piqued my curiosity!) That was my authentic truth. He was an angel about it. No pressure, very respectul.
He’s back now, but I’ve been a little sick. We’re supposed to see each other tomorrow (Sunday) or soon after. I’ll keep you posted.
Permalink
10.12.07
Posted in Dating Diaries, Random Thoughts at 12:52 pm by Nicole
Recently, I’ve been feeling kind of “blah”. Not sick (that was last week, with the sore throat of death!), but just…down on myself. About a whole host of things, both superficial and substantive:
That I’m looking old and worn and not cute, that all my clothes are out-dated and inappropriate, that I’ve gotten fatter, that my hair will never be my friend.
That my apartment is a mess and I’ll never be on top of my laundry.
That my job is slowly sucking my soul right out of me, but I’m too afraid and caught up in the rat race to make any real change. And, even if I got up the courage to make a change, I am too timid to even know what I would actually want to do with my life. That my job will notice my apathy and fire me. That I’m more concerned about that the thought of getting fired than actually being without a job.
That I’m horrible with money and spend it like water. And I spend so much money buying stupid frivolous stuff that I won’t have enough money for the big things that I want (eventually).
That I’m a demanding girlfriend (he always cooks, does the grocery shopping, takes care of me), that I’m a bad friend because I’m always with Jameson, that I don’t allocate my time well, that I don’t do enough for others, that I’m always disappointing someone. I feel bad for my friends when I choose to stay in with Jameson and I feel bad for Jameson when I choose to go out with my friends.
That I’m un-interesting, do nothing for my community, know no culture, have no hobbies besides gossip mags and shopping. That I don’t have a purpose or a passion. That I’m a boring and dull person.
I tried to listen to fun upbeat songs to cheer myself up (”Fergalicious!”) but even that didn’t work. What do you guys do when you are feeling “blah”?
Permalink
10.11.07
Posted in Dating Diaries at 2:54 pm by Nicole
Things I do that are EXTREMELY stereotypically girly:
- Spend too money on shoes and purses.
- Read Vogue/Lucky/trashy gossip magazines.
- Talk inscessantly about boys and my relationships and your relationships and the mystery that is the male mind and oh my god he said/did/looked this way, what does that mean??
- Always have an outfit. And I mean ALWAYS.
- Feel more comfortable in heels than in flats. Never wear sneakers. (What “outfit” do sneakers go with?)
- Love the color pink.
- Worry and hyper-criticize myself about my looks - my weight, wrinkles, acne, dry skin, body hair.
- Always match my panties with my bra.
- Never say “no” to cupakes and/or chocolate and/or ice cream.
- Indulge in facials, massages, and any kind of treatment the spa has to offer.
- Favored “look” is a miniskirt and stillettos.
Things I do that are NOT girly in any way, shape, or form:
- Hate wearing makeup. Only wear it on special occassions.
- Never eat veggies, unless they are deep fried, like potatoes, and come on the side of a bacon cheeseburger.
- NEVER EVER EVER drink Diet Coke, or any diet beverage for that matter. Drink only the full sugar stuff, and several cans a day. (Heh, and I wonder why I worry about acne and weight gain.)
- My apartment looks like a frat house - no decorations, no frilly bric-a-brac, nothing on the walls, no lace, no stuffed animals.
- I often “forget” to moisturize. I don’t like the greasy feeling.
- Rarely “do” my hair.
- Don’t know how to cook. Don’t know anything about flowers, home decor.
- Haven’t done laundry in WEEKS. (I know, it is gross. Fortunately, I have a lot of clothes!)
- Hate Disney cartoons.
- Don’t like most babies/kids. Will not coo or squee or want to hold one if in near proximity. Am not sure if I want one of my own. Am also not sure if I want to get married anytime soon. Always thought of marriage and kids as something “grown ups” do, and I don’t feel like a grown up yet.
What about you guys? How much of a girly-girl are you?
Permalink
10.10.07
Posted in Dating Diaries at 2:15 pm by Nicole
I don’t know what is worse: Being the only single girl amongst your friends or being the only non-single girl amongst your friends. Both are fraught with peril. As the lone single, you are expected to entertain yourself, listen to stories about the wedding, or the marriage, or preparing for the wedding, or preparing for the kid, or how they just don’t “go out” like they used to because they are MARRIED now, just in case you had forgotten. You feel a little left behind, out of the loop, the divide grows wider.
As the lone friend with the boyfriend, you are automatically on the outs, you don’t understand, you are suddenly boring, your loyalties are tested all the time. Sometimes you feel guilty because your friends don’t go out as much now that you don’t go out as much. Sometimes you feel guilty because where you used to be free to meet up with someone for dinner, randomly, on a weeknight, now you must take into consideration what your boyfriend is doing too - and since you haven’t been home in three days except to shower and change clothes, when are you going to be doing your laundry, anyway? Sometimes you feel guilty for being so happy.
It is a balancing act, and one that I am no expert at. I try to not get down with my married friends that I’m not “there” yet. I try to not let my totally single friends feel like I’m leaving them behind now that I have a boyfriend. It is a fact of life, it has happened to me: People couple up and sometimes the friends get left behind. What can we do about it but stop comparing ourselves to others (or imposing guilt on ourselves for the well-being of others), and start concentrating our own happiness?
Permalink
10.09.07
Posted in Dating Diaries at 1:17 pm by Nicole
I am the worst bed-mate in the history of the world. I’m serious. I will hog the entire bed, steal all the covers, toss and turn, grind my teeth (loudly), snore (occassionally), and kick randomly.
It is not pretty. Or glamorous. Or sexy. Or even feminine, cute, or charming. It is none of those things but I am sleeping and it is so frustrating because, aside from forcing myself to stay awake 24/7, there is nothing I can do about it. It’s one of my flaws and I admit I am very self-conscious about my sleeping habits. A person has to be a deep deep sleeper to put up with me.
Of course, NONE of the guys I have dated have ever been deep deep sleepers. Nope. All light sleepers. Jameson, OF COURSE, is the lightest sleeper of all. A bird will wake him up. He has put up with my sleeping habits so far without fuss, but I worry. Will there be a day or a time when it is just too much for him?
I say it half jokingly, but it is serious. What about you guys? What are some of your flaws or somethings you are self-conscious of?
Permalink
10.05.07
Posted in General, Dating Diaries at 3:03 pm by Anna
Oh My God! I just found out Thomas is kiind of into S&M! He called from Florida and wanted to have phone sex. He asked me if I like to whip or be whipped or any S&M. I said I’ve never tried it, but no. He said he’s done it before, but he’s not into the heavy stuff. I don’t even know what that means…
I don’t know if he expects me to experiment with him, or if he’s fine to let it go…or if he’ll miss it and get restless if he goes without it for too long. He said, “You should let me teach you”. I just laughed it off. But I’m kind of nervous…
I hope this is not a red flag. Any advice out there???
Permalink
« Previous entries