09.19.07
Rearing its ugly head, AGAIN
Believe me, I wish I had better things to write about too and I hate that I waste so much time and energy moping about it, but here it is and I need advice again. Cynthia.
Guys, she really has No. Other. Friends. My friends have tried to be her friends, but find it hard to click with her. And I know that she is going through a tough dating dry spell and has major insecurity issues. And she just loves to guilt-trip and play martyr to make me feel like a horrible person when she asks what I’m doing and I don’t invite her.
So I feel guilty when I don’t include her in things that I do with Jameson. But then when I do invite her - like last night, we all went out to dinner together, fortunately BFF was there too - she IS SO OBVIOUSLY flirting with him. She’s quiet and mopey when it is just me, but suddenly happy and talkative when he’s around. At one point in the dinner, she even took out a notebook and TOOK NOTES ON WHAT HE WAS SAYING, like it was so profound or something. And she will only talk to him. It really is so irritating and I remembered, yet again, that the three of us together (with or without others) just sucks.
I want to justify it like if she wasn’t trying to flirt with Jameson (innocent or not), I would invite her out to more places and just let it go as her fault and not mine. But there is a residual part of me that - because I’ve known her for years and sort of met Jameson through her - feels like I have to take care of or watch out for her (enable her bad behavior?). And it’s true, if the roles were reversed, she wouldn’t think twice about excluding me, but that could also be because she doesn’t have to worry about me because I have other friends. I know we are grown women and we have to take responsibility for our own problems, but where do I draw the line between “caring friend” and “total sucker”?
Hope said,
September 20, 2007 at 12:39 am
Ouch. Is it really bad that I recognized myself in your description of Cynthia? Not the part about writing about what Jameson was saying but about getting more animated when Jameson is there?
Truth is I feel like I am in a similar position with a friend and her boyfriend. I am completely not attracted to him whatsoever and would never do anything to come in the way of their relationship. I just enjoy his company. Very simple.
Your post got me thinking whether she feels the way you do. And if she does, I would rather she confront me and tell me her concerns. I think that is what will make you a ‘caring friend’–being honest (but gentle) Catering to her every bad behaviour is not helping her or you.
Now, I’m going to go think of a way to discuss this with ‘my’ Nicole.
onebigholiday said,
September 20, 2007 at 5:14 am
Wow, I’m dealing with the same dilemma. Damn, I was hoping you would have an answer because I can’t think of one. My friend won’t think twice about excluding me too but why do we have the urge to include them. I think you should be a good friend up to a certain degree and then if she doesn’t do the same for you, maybe you should take a step back.
Clink said,
September 20, 2007 at 6:08 am
There’s obviously a reason why she has no. other. friends.
Do you even enjoy her company, um, ever? I wouldn’t be able to keep her around, I don’t think. Or I’d do things just the two of us - you are a stronger person than I am for being able to invite her out with Jameson when you know she’s going to flirt with him!
I agree on taking a step back. She doesn’t seem to be matching how good you are to her.
AmyD said,
September 20, 2007 at 9:02 am
Yeah…you are a much better person that I. I would have called her out for it by now. Is it your fault she doesn’t have any other friends? NO. Is it your fault that she feels mopey and doesn’t want to turn on the light until a man - a friend’s man - is in her company? Uh uh. You kit the nail on the head with the “enable” comment. If you don’t feel right about excluding her, the right thing to do is tell her honestly how you feel. If she can’t hack it, she’s not a good friend after all. Or she needs counseling (which I suspect she does, anyway).
Good luck…this situation sucks no matter which way you look at it.
Michelle said,
September 20, 2007 at 12:22 pm
Definitely take a step back. Or like Clink said - hang out with her and not have Jameson come along. You are strong for putting up with that my friend!
joy said,
September 24, 2007 at 2:59 am
Some people behave like emotional vampires and if we allow them to perpetuate this behaviour towards us and hate it at the same time, there’s only one thing to do. Ditch them!
But if the friendship means a lot and is truly deep, then out with it. It’s only mature and fair that the other person knows exactly how you feel and what you think.
joy
Your Love Coach