06.14.07
Posted in Dating Diaries, Random Thoughts at 9:51 am by Nicole
I can already tell that it is going to be one of those days.
Last night I got off the phone with Sebastian and rated the call about a 7.5 out of 10. (Does everyone rate phone calls?) Of course, I obsessed about the missing 2.5 points - what he did not say, what he should have said that would have made the phone call spectacular. For one, he could have told me what the hell he has been up to this whole week. For another, he could have not rushed me off the phone after 35 minutes because he was “tired” and he knew I “had to work in the morning.” (Ok, I never said that my rating system was rational.)
I woke up (late) with a vague feeling of dread. Like I was missing an important deadline at work. Like I knew that it would be another five days before I hear from him again. Like the weekend is coming up and I don’t have enough plans. Like I desperately need a facial and a massage and more sleep because this five hour a night thing? Is so not good for my complexion and mental health.
I had no idea what to wear. Nothing in my closet seemed appealing. I grabbed the first shirt I saw - which I knew was not the most comfortable - and threw it on. I sat in traffic for almost an hour to get to work. And now I’m here at my desk all frazzled (and cold!) in a too-tight short-sleeved shirt. Yup, and its not even lunch yet.
Sigh. I need a vacation. FROM MY LIFE.
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06.13.07
Posted in Dating Diaries, Random Thoughts at 11:19 am by Nicole
Genuinely feeling better today. Likely reasons: (1) Glorious and much needed eight hours of sleep last night; (2) Two text messages and a phone call from Sebastian (granted, I called him first); and (3) Online shopping!
We didn’t talk. I called right before I was going to bed (as is my habit, though I usually talk myself out of it before I actually call). He texted me back a few minutes later that he was working so couldn’t talk. Oh well. I went to bed and woke up to a missed call and another text message from him. It’s a band-aid, I know, and it doesn’t make up for his general apathy towards me, but I do feel a little better…for now.
On to even better things! I ordered a frilly pink party dress, silver heels, and a bubble skirt from Target online today. And, I received my other online orders from last week - I absolutely cannot wait to show off my new skull and crossbones bikini this summer! (Yes, online shopping is an addiction. I may need therapy. Fortunately, I stick to lower end purchases, but I do buy in bulk, so I don’t know how much money I am actually saving.)
Y’all know the theory of sexual sorbet, right? Well, I’ve been toying with the idea. A little part of me is sad that it has come to this, that this will mean that it is definitely, finally, for sure over with Sebastian, that whatever hope I have has to be extinguished. But another part of me wants to just get on with it already, tired from the constant pining and waiting and knowing that I am trying to make it work in a relationship that is fundamentally flawed. I’ve got two options so far, both in the ex-bf category, so we’ll see if I actually do anything about it…
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06.12.07
Posted in the Secret Experiment at 5:02 pm by Anna
Everytime I think of washing Wally outta my hair for good I feel sick. Literally. My chest burns & my stomach aches.
I realized on some level I’m stuck in this pattern of not knowing whether or not I want a particular guy - yearning for a relationship, craving his touch but somehow feeling unsettled about the prospect of a future together…like I’ve never found quite the right fit. But would I know it if I found it, would there be a resounding voice in my head ringing with that clear & certain, “Yes!”?
Or is it a choice you make at some point - where there is a strong enough foundation, when the good outweighs the bad enough to make it wise to love & commit for better or for worse?
I decided to own my own indecisiveness & yo-yo-ness. That’s what Wally is reflecting in me. I can’t blame him without looking at it in myself first. My antidote? To know I can create my own happiness with or without him & somehow it’ll all turn out.
I choose to be in a fabulous relationship, with someone who is a great match for me. Whether it’s Wally or someone else is just details…
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Posted in L.A. Adventures, Dating Diaries at 7:34 am by Nicole
So I guess this is how it is going to be, huh? Random text messages and phone calls where I end up feeling more disconnected from you than before. Days where I don’t talk to you at all, where you don’t respond to my text messages or phone calls. There is no apparent interest in anything that is going on with me, either. Did you know that my sister came to LA to visit me for a couple days? And that while we got on each other’s nerves while she was here, I miss her like crazy now that she’s left? I guess I’ve given up the fantasy that things could be different. Any realization that I was perfect for you or that you couldn’t live without me would have happened by now.
Over the weekend a bunch of us went to R-Bar, which is where I tried to take you before you left but we never got there. You would have liked it - dark corners, random premium beers, Journey and Johnny Cash on the jukebox. And, just enough pretense and hype to be totally LA; the place requires a password for entry. As I stood at the jukebox, a guy smiled at me, “Do you need more money for your songs?”
I looked at him and all I thought was that he wasn’t you. “No thanks, I got it.”
“You have the cutest smile, you know that? What’s your name?
“Jennifer,” I lied. Jennifer is my bar name for the guys I write off immediately, it is so innocuous and forgettable.
“Are you here with anyone?”
“I’m here with that group over there,” I pointed vaguely to my left.
“But are you here with anyone special?”
“No, my boyfriend’s out of town.” I know. I know. You aren’t really my boyfriend. You aren’t anyone special. I’m not anyone special to you. We broke up (not explicitly, but still), you are far away, blah blah blah no commitment. I know this.
“Well Jennifer,” he said, “If I was your boyfriend, I would never leave your side. I’d want you to go everywhere I go, and I would go everywhere you go. We would make it work.”
I know it was just a cheesy line said in a crowded dark bar, but it is what I had been hoping you’d say to me for months now. And, at that moment, I realized that you never would.
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06.08.07
Posted in the Secret Experiment at 8:59 pm by Anna
I went to Mexico last weekend, came back with a nasty stomach virus, and it gave me lots of time to think…
What I came up with was this: At any given time, I am more addicted to wanting a particular man than actually having that man. I love the worry and rejection, the scheming and the wondering…the sweet torture. Even though I tell myself I hate it, I actually relish the inescapable web of misery. It is familiar and safe.
When I get what I want, I don’t know what to do with it, don’t know how to be content or happy. It is so foreign to me, that I actually feel like something is wrong, and I create things going wrong. That’s the Law of Attraction at its strongest - in the worst direction!
I don’t know what to do about this pattern I’ve discovered…for now acknowledging it in black and white seems like a good first step…and the visualizations continue. Except now they are less and less about Wally specifically…and more about the person I want to be, and the way I want to experience my life. It may be that I’ve already left him behind and I just haven’t admitted it to myself. Or it may be that this time is a respite for both of us, before a major commitment. The circumstances would surely point to the former….but who’s to really say.
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Posted in Dating Diaries at 11:37 am by Nicole
I was all set to draft yet another sad sack post, because, to be honest, that is still how I’m feeling. He’s still distant, detached, doing his own thing and having his own fun. Yup, I’m still in the nadir and feeling rejected, unimportant, second-best, the default. But truth be told, I’m becoming bored with it. I’m growing tired of the work and the worry, seeing the futility of my efforts - maybe I’m starting to draw the line? I had an immediate bad reaction to the thought of getting back together with him and it being the same as it ever was. I don’t want that. I want more. More than he can give. He is not good enough for me.
My birthday is in the summer so it feels like a perfect opportunity for a new beginning. This is my time to create my own fun (part of why I loved him was that he was fun and maybe I felt like I couldn’t be as fun on my own), cultivate good and true relationships with people that want to be in relationships with me. I’ll fake it ’til I make it if I have to!
I will be the girl that: is always down for a party, everyone wants to hang out with, knows where all the fun places to go are, likes to meet new people, is always doing something fun, knows her worth and doesn’t waste her time on people that don’t value her.
In order to do that, I will: always accept an invite to go out (even if I don’t feel like it), make it a point to plan things with people at least once a week - both day and night activities, keep a list of places I want to go and things I want to do so I will always have suggestions and ideas when people ask, make an effort to look cute and put together always (the fun part!), but not be afraid to stay at home and do nothing too, stop worrying so much about what other people are thinking, start exercising (if only just yoga) so that I can feel like I am taking care of myself, spend time with people that want to spend time with me (and not on people that don’t), plan something fun to do for the Fourth, stop worrying so much about work so it doesn’t bring me down, start an outside hobby so that I have something that I am excited about to talk about (no one wants to hear about how much I hate my job), be smart and crazy and random and funny and caring and honest and a good friend to people.
…Wow, I’m actually feeling better! Let’s keep this up! 
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06.07.07
Posted in Dating Diaries at 3:40 pm by Nicole
You take things so much easier than I do. You could live your life without me if you had to.
We read it all the time: The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. But, people, I am so tired. I feel like I am working emotional overtime to figure out what is going on with him, with us, piecing email and phone calls and myspace clues together like some kind of “CSI: My (fragile) Heart” show. It is exhausting. And nothing ever changes. Sure, there are highs and lows, but nothing ever really changes. He’ll call and I’ll be happy, then some girl will make a provocative comment on his myspace and I’ll get that tight feeling in my chest. It’ll always be something.
Why is it so hard to let go? I advise it to my friends all the time. But in the thick of it, even if I know it is wrong, even if I know I can do better, that there are other fish in the sea, buses on the schedule (I love her blog, too), whatever, why can’t I just do it?
I read the Ballad of the Sad Cafe my freshman year in college and, while it struck a chord with me back then, I was much more rational and logical and black and white about people and relationships and did not really relate to it. I guess that is one good thing I have learned from my relationship with Sebastian: There is something else to relationships, real relationships, strong relationships, that go beyond the bounds of anything rational, and just directly pierce your heart.
First of all, love is a joint experience between two persons - but the fact that it is a joint experience does not mean that it is a similar experience to the two people invovled. There are the lover and the beloved, but these two come from different countries. Often the beloved is only a stimulus for all the stored-up love which has lain quiet within the lover for a long time hitherto. And somehow every lover knows this. He feels in his soul that his love is a solitary thing. He comes to know a new, strange loneliness and it is this knowledge which makes him suffer. So there is only one thing for the lover to do. He must house his love within himself as best he can; he must create for himself a whole new inward world—a world intense and strange, complete in himself…
…Now, the beloved can also be of any description… The beloved may be treacherous, greasy-headed, and given to evil habits. Yes, and the lover may see this as clearly as anyone else—but that does not affect the evolution of his love one whit. A most mediocre person can be the object of a love which is wild, extravagant, and beautiful as the poison lilies of the swamp. A good man may be the stimulus for a love both violent and debased, or a jabbering madman may bring about in the soul of someone a tender and simple idyll. Therefore, the value and quality of any love is determined solely by the lover himself.
It is for this reason that most of us would rather love than be loved. Almost everyone wants to be the lover. And the curt truth is that, in a deep secret way, the state of being beloved is intolerable to many. The beloved fears and hates the lover, and with the best of reasons. For the lover is forever trying to strip bare his beloved. The lover craves any possible relation with the beloved, even if this experience can cause him only pain.
Somehow thinking that it is all within me, this power to love, to choose who to love, makes me feel like I may just be strong enough to get through this after all. Now I just have to figure out how.
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06.06.07
Posted in Dating Diaries at 11:32 am by Nicole
I’m toying with the idea of cutting him out of my life completely.
You see, if I were not me, but some trusted friend of me, that is what I would advise me to do. I know I deserve to feel like I am a priority in someone’s life. I know I deserve to fully and completely share lives with someone, not just hear drunken soundbites and murmurs of encouraging words from the sidelines. I also know that whatever fear I have about never finding another guy as attractive as he is not based in reality and completely ridiculous. There are five billion people in this world, there has got to be at least one other guy out there.
I know this, yet I still answer the phone when he calls. I know this, yet I still have all these expectations that he live up to the man of my dreams.
If I cut him out of my life, I would heal faster, I would gain more respect for myself, I would be aware of my own strength. Of course, I would also have to give up that tiny little flicker of hope that he could change or I could change or something could happen and we could somehow work out together. I would give up the possibility of a future that I once imagined.
If I left things stay the same, I may be able to see him again, I could hear his voice again, live vicariously in his world that, I admit, I still find so fascinating. But, I would also keep myself open to more and possibly bigger heartbreak, more freak outs when he doesn’t call, living off balance, and the constant dull ache of wondering why I am not the One for him.
I thought that playing the middle ground was ok. I use the good times for my own mental health, and because he is so far away, my expectations of him spending time with me disappeared. But, what I didn’t remember was that I would just form new expectations - expectations that he would call, that I would feel included in his far away life, that he would make an effort. And I forgot how my insecurity in the relationship just breeds the Crazy, which results in more distancing by him.
So maybe I cannot do the middle ground. Maybe I can’t have both. I can either choose him or me. The answer is clear in my head. Can my heart know it too?
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06.05.07
Posted in Dating Diaries at 9:00 am by Nicole
Seriously, guys, what would you do?
I last spoke to Sebastian Sunday night, about 10:45 pm. He was coming home from dinner/drinks. As he was not yet home, I told him to call me when he actually got home. He called me at about 11:15 but I missed the call because I fell asleep. He didn’t leave a message.
The next day, yesterday, I didn’t hear from him all day. This is not so unusual and I figured he was sleeping. I called him around 4:30 pm and left him a message. At around 7 pm I sent him a text message. At 10:30 I noted that he hadn’t checked his email all day (which he religiously does and has to for his job). I called and texted him at midnight, saying that I was getting worried and I just wanted to know if everything was ok.
Radio silence.
A few background facts: We usually touch base once a day - at the very least by text. He usually checks his email every day. If I call or text telling him to call me back, he always does (at least within a few hours), I can’t remember the last time he didn’t.
Now, I admit, I have an overactive imagination. The possible scenarios are: (1) He’s mad at me/avoiding me; (2) He met another girl and has spent the last 36 or so hours with her, in such a blissful haze that he was ignoring the phone calls and demands of the outside world; or (3) Something happened to him. (See, I wasn’t lying about the overactive imagination!)
I can’t think of why he would be mad at me or avoiding me. We weren’t fighting the last time we talked. We were even talking about visiting each other (nothing concrete, but the idea was there). In any case, even if he was mad or wanted to avoid me, I think he would have responded in some manner to the text messages I sent him. Like an “I’m ok” or something.
It could be possible that he met a girl. But who? When? Sunday night he was heading home. If he met her when he went out on Monday, then he would have checked his email on Monday before heading out. In fact, it is weird that he didn’t check his email on Sunday night when he got home. He didn’t have anyone with him when he was heading home. Could he have met someone later Sunday night? Early Monday? Even so, I don’t think it would be likely that he would stay “disconnected” from the outside world for this long. But, then again, maybe he is just staying disconnected from me because he met this girl. (Ugh. Stupid imagination.)
Did he lose his phone and his computer? Did he decide at the last minute to travel to South America or Asia or some place where his phone is not compatible? Did he get locked out of his apartment or get his car stolen or himself arrested or is he sick ohmygod is he in a police station or a hospital or maybe passed out on the floor of his apartment too sick to move?
I know I’m just being stupid and silly, and that he is ok and there is some “valid” reason why he’s not calling or answering his phone. Maybe I should text him something like, “If I did something to piss you off or if you are avoiding me please at least just text me back that you are ok and I will stop calling you.” Maybe I should start calling police stations or hospitals? Maybe I should try and call or email his friends to see if they know anything? Maybe…I am just going crazy. It is a very fine line between the crazy ex-girlfriend that can’t let him go even though he moved hundreds of miles away and the cute concerned friend that cares about his well being and just wants him to be ok.
So tell me, what would you do?
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06.04.07
Posted in Random Thoughts at 2:51 pm by Nicole
It’s funny, in real life I am not the girl that responds to the email surveys or the quizzes or anything. But for some reason I saw this one on someone else’s blog and I thought it would be fun, especially since I am knee-deep in procrastination mode. Coming in to work this morning, knowing that it was a full five day week, was so HARD.
1. How short was your shortest relationship?
I think six weeks or a couple of months. Maybe about 10 dates. It was a strange middle ground where we had surpassed the stage of just small talk but still knew very little about each other. I was crushed when he just stopped calling. I couldn’t blame it on him not getting a chance to know me because he did (at least a little), and I couldn’t blame it on us discovering that we had irreconcileable differences because we didn’t know each other that well. It took me an inordinately long time to get over the sting of that rejection.
2. How long was your longest relationship?
Three and a half years. My college bf. We met my freshman year when he was a sophmore and were pretty much inseparable until he graduated.
3. How many boyfriends have told you they loved you?
Four. But I am a big actions speak louder than words type of person, so I don’t say it that often and don’t require it to be said to me that often.
(the rest of the survey is after the jump)
Read the rest of this entry »
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