06.25.07

I don’t know where it all began, and I don’t know where it will end, but we’re better off for all that we let in. (In three parts.)

Posted in Dating Diaries at 10:32 am by Nicole

Part One

Last week, I dreamt that I was pregnant.  I had let myself go and gained about five pounds since he left and chalked it up to the break up blues as well and not having anyone to impress on a nightly basis anymore.  But it wasn’t break up weight, it was a baby.  A baby conceived in a streesful, uncertain environment.  A baby that would permanently change my life, no matter what I decided to do about it.  A baby that would tie us together, whether we wanted to be or not, and hell, I didn’t even know what I wanted anymore.  This is not how my life is supposed to turn out.  I’m not the girl that gets knocked up by some emotionally stunted asshole jerk that most of her friends hate.

I hate him and wish I had never met him.  How could he do this to me?  I bet he doesn’t even care.

Part Two

“I miss you so much, baby.  And I didn’t think I would, but I do.  Everyday.”  It was the tail end of a sickeningly sweet phone conversation we were having. 

“Oh, you didn’t think you would miss me?  That’s great.” I said, in part a little miffed, but mostly just teasing because I knew it is all part of his thing - being fiercely independent, not caring about anyone or anything.  It was so much a part of him that he even deludes himself about it.

“I’m just being honest, baby.” 

I hate when guys say that.  Like we are supposed to forgive all manner of sins because they were being “honest.”  “Hey, your ass does look fat in that dress, but don’t hate me, I’m being honest!”  Or, “Yeah, I’ve had racy dreams about my co-worker Helen, but don’t hate me, I’m just being honest.”

“We are really great together, you know” he stated, as if it was a sudden realization that caught him off guard.

I debated telling him about my pregnancy dream, and the irrational emotions against him that came up for me.  How I felt used and tainted and distrustful after I woke up.  How, even though I’m not pregnant, echos of those feelings remain with me and keep me from fulling investing in the possibility of us.  How, while my love of him is honestly not a lie, I view it more like a liability than a strength - something to endure, guard against, and get over.  I am scared he will hurt me.  Again.  Or worse than he already has.

Instead, I coo sweet nothings back into the phone and pretend like I am not the confused jumbled ball of emotions that I really am.  After all, he is saying exactly what I had been hoping he would say.  “I wish you were here,” he said.  “I sleep better when you’re beside me.”  My heart melts a little and for that one night I let myself believe that everything could be ok between us.

Part Three

Backburners:  The guys that you know you could maybe have a relationship with - you flirt constantly at parties - but you haven’t hooked up with yet because you are already in a relationship with your boyfriend.  As in, “I just broke up with Sebastian, time to fire up the backburners!”

R1 is like a Backburner Plus, because there is a history there.  He has been texting me to hang out and I have been running out of excuses to avoid or delay it.  Half of me doesn’t want to mess up this tenuous thing going on right now with Sebastian, the other half knows that this feeling is only temporary, he will end up hurting me again, and anything I can do to shield myself from that and just move the hell on already, is the smart thing to do. 

It was the latter thinking that let me accept a dinner out with R1 tonight sometime this week (delay! delay!).  It is the former thought that is refusing to let me call it a date.  A part of me feels guilty, another part of me says there is nothing to feel guilty about, we are two old friends having a meal. 

Most of me just wants to stop overthinking everything and just go with the flow.  I am not married, or pregnant, or really anything except completely free to figure out my own life for my own self.  And I just have to let it all sink in. 

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