06.15.07

So don’t lose sight of me now, you know you’re all around me

Posted in Dating Diaries at 10:49 am by Nicole

So what is love then - is it dictated or chosen?  Does it sing like the hymns of a thousand years or it is just pop emotion?  And if it ever was there and it left, does it mean it was never true?  And to exist it must elude - is that why I think these things of you?

(Inspired by *kb*’s recent posts as well as the fact that we are living parallel lives!  Or at least very similar lives!  Also:  Sorry about how rambly this entry is, I just sort of wrote where ever my mind took me.  Welcome to my life!)

I’ve always been a rational person.  Methodical in my thinking.  Emotional, yes definitely as well, but always with a firm grasp on logic and reasoning too.  So, let’s deconstruct this, shall we?

Last night he was distant.  Well, not so much distant, but more talking about his life that seems so busy and full and doing things that seemed so out of the ordinary for him, or at least my experience with him, and it was almost like I felt like who is he, I don’t know him at all.  And there was nothing about what he was telling me that indicated at all that he missed me, that he missed what we had, that he even thought about me at all during his busy days.  At least that is what I was reading in between the lines. 

So while all he was doing was telling me story after story about his day and his plans for the weekend, I was creating NOVELS about about what he was actually saying:  “I am having tons of fun without you.  I don’t even miss you at all.  I have friends and a life and things to do and lots of other girls to talk to (that are all in love with me and want to be with me).  I’m talking to you now, but don’t get your hopes up because you don’t know - YOU HAVE NO IDEA - who I was talking to before, or texting before, or who I will call as soon as I get off the phone with you.” 

 

Totally healthy, right?  I know.  Now some say that the truest level of communication is simply what he said.  He told me about his day and his plans for the weekend.  Any conclusions or impressions or unspoken vibes I draw from that is my problem, not his, and is a reflection on me, not him, and thus is not real.  This sounds nice, in theory.  But my intuition, she is a little more self-defense oriented.  There is no way she would let me walk around just accepting it whatever he says as whatever he says.  In fact, she will immediately think of worst case scenarios instead of best case ones.  (”He’s living his own life that I don’t even recognize and I don’t fit in it at all!” instead of “Oh wow, he wants to share with me what is going on in his life because it is different and exciting and he wants to share it with those he is closest to!” or even “Huh, that’s a cool story.”)

The thing is:  I trust my intuition.  Sometimes I just know things, you know?  Like when I saw two co-workers talking down the hall and I just knew she was telling the other about how she just found out she was pregnant.  Like when I had this crazy feeling that something was wrong with my pet mouse and he died the next day. 

I know that sometimes we throw up fake roadblocks under the guise of “intuition” or “bad feelings” just to protect ourselves from getting hurt.  But that usually happens only in the beginning of something, not if you’ve been dating (or whatever) for over a year, almost two.  Those kinds of fake roadblocks are more like, “I’m not going to the party, there’ll be no one there to talk to.”  Instead, in a relationship, when you get the feeling that he is pulling away, it is likely because he is.

Its true that in the general scheme of things it is what it is.  And it is like it is because we aren’t a good match, we don’t even live in the same city, and we have nothing to keep us together.  It only makes sense that we would grow apart.  It is probably for the best as it leaves me room in my life to meet someone else much more fantastic (to trade up as Clink once mentioned in these comments) and to actually have some fun this summer.

Most of the reluctance, I’m sure, has everything to do with ego.  There is no preordained destiny mandating that he is the One for me.  This is not a love for the ages, where he is pulled away from me by circumstance (like war) and we both go through the motions to move on, but have never really forgotten the strength of our love.  There is no “meant to be” here.  There is only “we tried (at least I did) really hard to make it work and maybe it just can’t.”  My ego would want to say that it is something more, some kind of higher power, so that I can justify the pining and the lovelorney behavior and even the answering of his phone calls.  I can respond to my ego’s cry of “why isn’t it me?” with the simplistic statement that “it IS me, he just doesn’t know it yet.”  And, I can hide behind this supposed true love so that I never have to put myself out there again, exposed to more and different rejection.  The devil you know and all.

Deconstructed that is all it is.  Two people - a bundle of raw emotions and nerves - just trying to make it in their own lives.  He is who he is.  I am who I am.  But, I am human, I am going to make mistakes.  Even if I want to, I can’t just snap my fingers and be over him.  But I can recognize what is going on and realize that I can control the situation, and the situation - this Relationship - does not control me.  It’s all about the baby steps. 

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