06.08.07
Days 16 - 22: Misery Woman
I went to Mexico last weekend, came back with a nasty stomach virus, and it gave me lots of time to think…
What I came up with was this: At any given time, I am more addicted to wanting a particular man than actually having that man. I love the worry and rejection, the scheming and the wondering…the sweet torture. Even though I tell myself I hate it, I actually relish the inescapable web of misery. It is familiar and safe.
When I get what I want, I don’t know what to do with it, don’t know how to be content or happy. It is so foreign to me, that I actually feel like something is wrong, and I create things going wrong. That’s the Law of Attraction at its strongest - in the worst direction!
I don’t know what to do about this pattern I’ve discovered…for now acknowledging it in black and white seems like a good first step…and the visualizations continue. Except now they are less and less about Wally specifically…and more about the person I want to be, and the way I want to experience my life. It may be that I’ve already left him behind and I just haven’t admitted it to myself. Or it may be that this time is a respite for both of us, before a major commitment. The circumstances would surely point to the former….but who’s to really say.