06.29.07
Posted in Both of Us, Random Thoughts at 1:12 pm by Nicole
You know, I’ve been trying to think about what to write about all day. On the one hand I feel stuck, and cannot even bear to write another blog all “woe is me and my ‘relationship’ with a guy that is emotionally unavailable most of the time.” On the other hand, there are so many other aspects of my life that I would want to talk about, but I don’t know where to begin!!
So, I’m turning it over to you guys. Is there anything you want to ask me? Read about? Anything at all? I don’t know how many of you are out there, or even reading on a Friday afternoon, but if you are there, and you care, please just leave a question/suggestion/helpful criticism/whatever in the comments, and I promise I will address them and try and answer any questions you have!
Yay, I think this will be fun! Thanks in advance!! 
PS: Anna’s computer is broken, which is why she hasn’t been posting, but if you have a question for her, I will let her know too!
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06.27.07
Posted in L.A. Adventures at 10:47 am by Nicole
While I do admittedly devote much of my brain energies on things that I probably shouldn’t, that is not to say that is all I do. In fact, I had a pretty eventful weekend that I completely neglected to write about!
On Friday night after work I met some girlfriends out at the Abbey in West Hollywood, to celebrate a friend-of-a-friend’s something or other worth celebrating. For those that don’t know, the Abbey is The Most Famous Ever Gay Bar in the City. The drinks are strong, the men are great eye candy, and a couple of years ago I saw Laurence Fishburne lounging in one of the cabanas in the back. Also, the Abbey just revamped its menu and we chowed down on sliders (don’t forget to add bacon!), french fries (delicious!), and mac and cheese (kind of too watery, like a soup). A couple people ordered salads (why?) and said they were good too. Of course, we got some carrot cake and a devil’s food cake for dessert, both delicious and rich.
We decided to then go next door to Here and dance off our dinner. The drinks are not as strong at Here, and the girls far out number the guys, but they play Top 40 pop songs, which is perfect to dance to when you’ve had two (v. strong) pomegranate martinis at the Abbey. As a side, I am slightly ashamed to admit that I am now loving Rihanna’s “Umbrella,” which my girls and I sang all throughout the night. We may have even created a little dance for it. I’m not saying any more.
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06.26.07
Posted in Random Thoughts at 7:34 pm by Nicole
You know how some days, things just never seem to go your way? Well, today has been one of those days. Maybe it has even been one of those months. Sigh.
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06.25.07
Posted in Dating Diaries at 10:32 am by Nicole
Part One
Last week, I dreamt that I was pregnant. I had let myself go and gained about five pounds since he left and chalked it up to the break up blues as well and not having anyone to impress on a nightly basis anymore. But it wasn’t break up weight, it was a baby. A baby conceived in a streesful, uncertain environment. A baby that would permanently change my life, no matter what I decided to do about it. A baby that would tie us together, whether we wanted to be or not, and hell, I didn’t even know what I wanted anymore. This is not how my life is supposed to turn out. I’m not the girl that gets knocked up by some emotionally stunted asshole jerk that most of her friends hate.
I hate him and wish I had never met him. How could he do this to me? I bet he doesn’t even care.
Part Two
“I miss you so much, baby. And I didn’t think I would, but I do. Everyday.” It was the tail end of a sickeningly sweet phone conversation we were having.
“Oh, you didn’t think you would miss me? That’s great.” I said, in part a little miffed, but mostly just teasing because I knew it is all part of his thing - being fiercely independent, not caring about anyone or anything. It was so much a part of him that he even deludes himself about it.
“I’m just being honest, baby.”
I hate when guys say that. Like we are supposed to forgive all manner of sins because they were being “honest.” “Hey, your ass does look fat in that dress, but don’t hate me, I’m being honest!” Or, “Yeah, I’ve had racy dreams about my co-worker Helen, but don’t hate me, I’m just being honest.”
“We are really great together, you know” he stated, as if it was a sudden realization that caught him off guard.
I debated telling him about my pregnancy dream, and the irrational emotions against him that came up for me. How I felt used and tainted and distrustful after I woke up. How, even though I’m not pregnant, echos of those feelings remain with me and keep me from fulling investing in the possibility of us. How, while my love of him is honestly not a lie, I view it more like a liability than a strength - something to endure, guard against, and get over. I am scared he will hurt me. Again. Or worse than he already has.
Instead, I coo sweet nothings back into the phone and pretend like I am not the confused jumbled ball of emotions that I really am. After all, he is saying exactly what I had been hoping he would say. “I wish you were here,” he said. “I sleep better when you’re beside me.” My heart melts a little and for that one night I let myself believe that everything could be ok between us.
Part Three
Backburners: The guys that you know you could maybe have a relationship with - you flirt constantly at parties - but you haven’t hooked up with yet because you are already in a relationship with your boyfriend. As in, “I just broke up with Sebastian, time to fire up the backburners!”
R1 is like a Backburner Plus, because there is a history there. He has been texting me to hang out and I have been running out of excuses to avoid or delay it. Half of me doesn’t want to mess up this tenuous thing going on right now with Sebastian, the other half knows that this feeling is only temporary, he will end up hurting me again, and anything I can do to shield myself from that and just move the hell on already, is the smart thing to do.
It was the latter thinking that let me accept a dinner out with R1 tonight sometime this week (delay! delay!). It is the former thought that is refusing to let me call it a date. A part of me feels guilty, another part of me says there is nothing to feel guilty about, we are two old friends having a meal.
Most of me just wants to stop overthinking everything and just go with the flow. I am not married, or pregnant, or really anything except completely free to figure out my own life for my own self. And I just have to let it all sink in.
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06.22.07
Posted in Dating Diaries at 2:10 pm by Nicole
So, as I was thinking about what to write about today, and really, every day this week, the thought occurred to me: There is nothing really to say. And that is a good thing. Without Sebastian in immediate proximity, I am not suffering from the daily ups and downs of dating that I had before. Work seems to be clipping along. Plans for the summer are being made. Everything is fine.
Granted, I’m not saying its great. I still freak out a little when I call him and he doesn’t call me back. I still wonder if the baseball game he is going to on Sunday is a date or really just a friend thing. And I still worry whether I am ready to even think about dating another person again. (There is a possible prospect and I don’t want to close the door entirely on it, but also I don’t know if I am ready to close the door entirely on my relationship with Sebastian.) I mean I want him to start dating first (so that I know it is over) but I also want to start dating first (so that I can have bragging rights). But, my yearnings, my thoughts, and my expectations get lower everyday and now, when we don’t have such great conversations or when he says he’ll call me later but doesn’t, well, I don’t feel like it is the end of the world anymore. Its definitely getting easier.
(I know I am dragging this ending out, and the best thing is the clean break but I just can’t do that yet.)
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06.20.07
Posted in Random Thoughts at 2:50 pm by Nicole
Things I want (so why can’t I have them?):
- An actual vacation. Where I pack a suitcase and get on a plane and check into a hotel and lounge at a pool.
- Full fat Pepsi.
- A job that I like. Working with people that I like. In a career that I am excited to be in.
- No student loan debt.
- Not to still be “looking” for the “right guy”.
- A whole new summer wardrobe filled with tank tops, white shorts, slippers, tunic dresses and ballet flats.
- A (very) casual work dress code so that I can wear them everyday.
- To lose 5-10 pounds.
- Without having to diet or exercise. (I am lazy with no self-discipline so I do neither now.)
- A blow out every day, or every other day (I am not greedy). Heh.
How about you? What are some things you want?
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06.19.07
Posted in Dating Diaries at 5:03 pm by Nicole
We are in a holding pattern. A holding pattern while I work up the strength to let it go. While the emptiness inside, the feeling that something is missing, goes away. Slowly but surely.
And I am training myself. Whenever I get to the negative thinking of how I miss him, how I want to be with him, how I’m not yet over him, what he is doing - all of that - I consciously stop, and remind myself that I don’t want this relationship. If all he can give me is this (and that is all he can give me if it is all he is giving me), then I don’t want it, I don’t deserve it, and I don’t need it. Why am I so concerned with being/giving him what he wants? Shouldn’t I be more concerned with getting what I want? Which, I can’t ever do if I’m still all tangled up in him. It’s slow going and some days (hours, minutes) are better than others, but I make it through.
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06.18.07
Posted in L.A. Adventures, Random Thoughts at 11:52 am by Nicole
At least, how to impress me and my friends. Garnered from the extensive “research” we did this weekend.
- Smile at us. But not all creepy like. Smile like you are laughing at a joke. Do not do the “guns” or wink or the one eyebrow raised thing. We will run far far away if you do that.
- Do not ever EVER order a “Jack and Diet.” Or, any other drink involving a diet soda. Maybe you drink diet soda in the privacy of your own home. Maybe you aren’t on a diet but believe that you “crash” from all the sugar. I don’t know and I don’t care, but nothing screams “I am either vain or have body image issues because I used to be fat and now work out inscessantly and am also possibly not eating carbs anymore so those french fries are all you, missy, but maybe I will be bitter that you are eating fries and so will try and guilt you into dieting too!” (or “I have Issues!” for short) more than a guy ordering a Jack and Diet. (I can go on for days about this. Maybe it is just my thing?)
- On the dance floor, less is more. If we let you dance with/near us, do not flail your arms about or perform some kind of strange pop and lock stolen from Darren’s Dance Grooves.
- Do not tell us that you are married with children but see something special in us.
- Cut your losses and leave us alone if we act like we aren’t interested in you. We are not playing hard to get. We are really not interested.
- Offer to buy our friends drinks too. Nothing garners more pimp points.
- Compliment our outfit. But not too specifically or else we will wonder if you are gay. For example, “That’s a hot dress” is good, “Oh my God, are those the new Paige jeans? Work it, girl!” is not.
- Smell great, but like you are clean and just smell great naturally. Don’t overdose on the cologne. And try not to sweat or get too hot because then you won’t smell as great at the end of the night when we are tired and want to lean on you.
- Do not let us see you talking to other girls after you stopped talking to us. But - and I know this is not fair but whatever it is my list - do NOT, under any circumstances, confront us if you see us talking to another guy. I mean, he could be our brother or gay friend or friend’s boyfriend, so chill out.
- Last, and here is the best piece of advice. I can’t believe I am even sharing this, but, okay. So if you are really into the girl and you want her number? Take out your cell and say, “Hey, can I get your number? Then I will call your phone so you can have mine too!” This covers all bases. Obviously, you are asking for her number, so you are taking charge, none of this “here is my number, you should call me” crap that some guys do. But that second part is so key. Saying that you are calling her phone right now tells her that she cannot give you a fake number to make you go away, and if she really doesn’t want to date you (see: ”Cut your losses,” above) she’s going to have to tell you that. (But, hey, at least you know!) Also, saying that she can have your number too shows that you are accessible and openand gives her a chance to program your number with either a “Yay!” ringtone or a “Holy fuck what was I thinking do NOT pick up” ringtone.
Of course, when in doubt - and this, I think, goes for everyone - just be the happiest, most confident version of yourself and it will be fine. I hope people will share their thoughts on this list or what impresses them in the comments, too!
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06.15.07
Posted in Dating Diaries at 3:45 pm by Nicole
My friend Sam is trying to break up with his girlfriend. Correction - he has been trying to break up with his girlfriend since January. We all the know the cycle: He takes a stand, she cries and begs for forgiveness, and he, being torn, lonely, scared, unwilling to be the “bad guy”, takes her back. Lather, rinse, repeat every couple days. “I’m going to have to do it,” he told me recently, “I’m going to have to come right out and tell her I don’t love her anymore.”
He did, and this time the break up seems to be sticking.
Sometimes, I think about laying it all out on the table with Sebastian. How I feel like he’s not interested in keeping up this “relationship,” like he’s moving on, and if he would just tell me this, then I could move on too. It is cruel to keep me benched when he never intends to play with me. I would tell him that I love him that I would re-commit to working things out if only I knew that he was committed in the same way too.
But I don’t. Of course, part of it is that I don’t ever ever want to hear those words come out of his mouth - “I don’t love you anymore” or any other iteration from “you’re not the One,” to even “I don’t want a relationship with anyone right now.” But, mostly it is because, deep down, I already know it. Everytime I listen to his stories and don’t hear a word about missing me. Everytime I check my phone and he hasn’t called. Everytime. All the time.
I don’t need that final kick in the heart to know that this is not the kind of relationship I want. No, I will not give him the satisfaction of telling him just how much I still love him and think of him and that I would be willing to forgive any manner of prior sins to still be with him. And it is not out of spite, or defensiveness, but out of respect for myself, and knowing my own worth. I know when it is time to hold and when it is time to fold. And this to me feels like it is time to fold. And I really don’t need him to spell it out for me.
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Posted in Dating Diaries at 10:49 am by Nicole
So what is love then - is it dictated or chosen? Does it sing like the hymns of a thousand years or it is just pop emotion? And if it ever was there and it left, does it mean it was never true? And to exist it must elude - is that why I think these things of you?
(Inspired by *kb*’s recent posts as well as the fact that we are living parallel lives! Or at least very similar lives! Also: Sorry about how rambly this entry is, I just sort of wrote where ever my mind took me. Welcome to my life!)
I’ve always been a rational person. Methodical in my thinking. Emotional, yes definitely as well, but always with a firm grasp on logic and reasoning too. So, let’s deconstruct this, shall we?
Last night he was distant. Well, not so much distant, but more talking about his life that seems so busy and full and doing things that seemed so out of the ordinary for him, or at least my experience with him, and it was almost like I felt like who is he, I don’t know him at all. And there was nothing about what he was telling me that indicated at all that he missed me, that he missed what we had, that he even thought about me at all during his busy days. At least that is what I was reading in between the lines.
So while all he was doing was telling me story after story about his day and his plans for the weekend, I was creating NOVELS about about what he was actually saying: “I am having tons of fun without you. I don’t even miss you at all. I have friends and a life and things to do and lots of other girls to talk to (that are all in love with me and want to be with me). I’m talking to you now, but don’t get your hopes up because you don’t know - YOU HAVE NO IDEA - who I was talking to before, or texting before, or who I will call as soon as I get off the phone with you.”
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