05.24.07
Posted in the Secret Experiment at 10:19 pm by Anna
Well, I am not losing any excess baggage on this ‘positive thinking’ diet!
I’ve been cranky and pissed off at Wally all day. He took his time texting me back, over 24 hours. Then he said he’d been freaking out (about what I have no clue). He asked how I am, and when is a good time to call. I was so annoyed at his endless drama, I texted back, “I don’t know when a good time is.” I know it was a biatchy thing to do, but I am so sick of his ways!! He texted back saying he hadn’t been honest: Most of the time he doesn’t want to talk to me because our talks are too full of drama and trauma sharing & he’s not enjoying them, and he knows I’m not, so he doesn’t want to continue talking right now.
First of all, we haven’t talked in weeks & all our texts have been superficial with no drama at all. But he is always apologizing for something, even when I’m not mad, so who brings the drama to the situation??
I texted him back saying I’m sick of all his freak outs and fear, and he’s right I don’t want him in my life either. Which is very true right now. I mean, I’m sad about it, but mostly pissed off and just glad to get rid of him. I don’t deserve this, I really don’t.
It’ll probably hit me tomorrow, but I hope not…
Anyway, I’m supposed to be focussing on what I do want, not what I don’t want…whatever I focus on, I draw to me….but it’s so hard when it just shows up in my face like this. But I will not be defeated. I’m not going to let this loser ruin my life. He doesn’t even deserve me to grieve over him!
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Posted in Dating Diaries at 1:42 pm by Nicole
He’s leaving tonight. I won’t even get twelve hours with him. Oh, he’s hung out with his other friends for the past five days where I didn’t see him at all and barely spoke to him on the phone, and I get the last ten hours with him before he leaves. He made it seem like a gift. I feel like I got the leftovers.
I know the relationship is wrong. I know that my broken heart will mend, that I won’t feel like this forever. I know that I have to move on. I know there will be other guys. I am tired of being the only one fighting, giving. But right now I just hurt. Why doesn’t he want to spend time with me, knowing that these are his last days? Why does he act like he doesn’t care if he’ll never see me again? Why is he being such an asshole, and, why do I put up with it? Was our entire relationship just a delusion in my head? Did he never really love me? Do I even matter? Have I just been wasting my time?
I’m scared that I’ll be a wreck when I see him. I’m scared that he’ll be dismissive and nonchalant and I won’t have any good memories to remember him by. I’m scared of the reality of a life without him in it (even tangentially). I’m scared I’ll be forgotten.
Anna says that I have to look at it like it isn’t personal, like it isn’t my fault or failure. That he is doing to best he can towards me, given his immaturity and emotional unavailability. And that it is my choice, my power, to let him go (and not the other way around) because I need more.
I will take this opportunity tonight to respect what we had together and say goodbye - for me. And then I will wish him well and let him go. And my life will go on. It won’t ever be the same, but it will go on.
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05.23.07
Posted in L.A. Adventures at 9:39 pm by Anna
I just wanted to say that a friend of mine just decided to get a boob job with a very presigous plastic surgeon in Beverly Hills. She wouldn’t divulge the exact cost, but when I guessed $20,000 she smiled sheepishly and said, “More”. Not only that, but she has to pay it all in advance; and since she doesn’t have the money to dump in a lumpsome, she actually has to take out a loan out for part of it! We must truly, truly be living in LA! This kind of thing never ceases to amaze me. I do not exactly have an astronomical bra size, and sometimes I wish I did, but I’m not willing to let it run my life, or my bank statement! Well, I hope they look good…
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Posted in the Secret Experiment at 9:32 pm by Anna
Days 2 – 5
Thank you for the encouragement after my last post - I truly appreciate it!
Well, it’s been very up and down with my ability to stay positive. Right now it’s way down. I’ve been trying to visualize every morning what I want in a relationship – I want someone who is a great match for me, a good fit. I want a mutual commitment, and caring, laughter, and that we bring out the best in each other.
I’ve been texting back and forth with Wally, and when he doesn’t text back right away, or he doesn’t sound as enthusiastic as I want about seeing each other, I basically go into a tailspin. Why am I so neurotic? We’re not even technically together, but I guess it hasn’t hit me on the deepest emotional level. It feels like we still are. And I know it has been a far cry from my fairytale romance, but I still love him, and the embarrassing truth is that if I had a choice, I’d probably choose him all over again.
Yet when we were together, it didn’t feel like, ‘yes, this is it’. I was full of doubt. So I’m not 100% sure what I want. It’s just that letting him go is hard. I know that.
Why is clarity so hard to achieve? I feel like a loser who can’t even figure out what I want! How can these ‘Secret’ exercises possibly work if I don’t even know what to focus on?
I guess the only answer is to work on myself, so I’m clear and the happiest person I can be with or without a man. That’s probably when I’ll be able to be in a healthy relationship – one that’s nurturing and happy. That’s the only thing I can positively say I want right now, and I guess for the time being, it’s good enough…
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05.22.07
Posted in Dating Diaries at 11:31 am by Nicole
The way Sebastian feels about me is the way I feel about SP. No, that is not exactly true, because I am very different from Sebastian, and I’d like to give my relationship with him a little more credit than “you are a good guy, but…”. However, I see a lot of parallels. The give a little/withhold a lot thing that Sebastian does, that keeps my nerves in a constant state of frazzled? Is how my actions probably affect SP. And it makes me wonder: Just as Sebastian is my stiletto, am I the stiletto in my relationship with SP? (Thanks, Annie, for the term! I have been using it incessantly.)
Which makes everything decidedly more grey and difficult to understand. I know I am not trying to hurt SP on purpose, but he may be getting hurt. Is that how Sebastian feels about me? I know that on paper, in my head, among the world of reason and logic, SP is perfect - kind and good and generous and supportive - but that my heart is just not in it with him. Is that what Sebastian is thinking? I know that I am not some evil, self-centered, emotionally unavailable bitch, but actually, I am just looking for that perfect connection, and it is unfortunately not with SP. Is that what Sebastian is looking for too, but hasn’t found with me?
It would be so much easier to just make Sebastian the bad guy in black and white. The immature one with committment-phobia, selfishly toying with my emotions in some kind of narcissistic twisted manner. It is harder to face the fact that the problem may not be him (”if only he wasn’t a jerk and realized how fabulous I am”) but that it could be us, our relationship - the head over heels, I’ve never felt this way before relationship - that brought out the worst in us, and made him the sharp point that pierced my heart. Is he really bunny slippers, but our relationship made him a stiletto? Why couldn’t he be bunny slippers with me? I like bunny slippers, I treat them well, I appreciate them! Will he be bunny slippers to another girl, the next girl in the next state?
Just the thought, I don’t think I can stand it.
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05.21.07
Posted in Random Thoughts at 11:10 am by Nicole
Four jobs I have held:
(1) Making chowder at a fast food seafood restaurant; (2) PSAT prep tutor; (3) gift wrapper; and (4) student assistant for a Biology professor.
Four movies I can watch over and over:
(1) Ghost; (2) Bridget Jones’ Diary; (3) Terminator 2; and (4) Gilmore Girls DVDs.
Four places I have lived:
(1) California; (2) Pennsylvania; (3) Washington, DC; and (4) New York.
Four categories of TV programming I enjoy:
(1) Cooking shows (Good Eats, Barefoot Contessa); (2) Cheesy reality shows (ANTM, Shear Genius, Project Runway, The Agency); (3) Girly-girl shows (Gilmore Girls, SATC, Buffy); and (4) HBO/Showtime shows that I can watch on Demand (Entourage, Big Love, the L Word, Weeds).
Four places I have been on holiday:
(1) Edinburgh-London-Paris-Nice-Rome-Venice-Florence-Geneva (all one trip); (2) Tokyo; (3) Dallas; and (4) New Orleans.
Four of my favorite dishes:
(1) Pasta sauteed with butter and tons of parm; (2) beef nachos; (3) macaroni and cheese with bacon bits; and (4) a good filet, cooked medium. (Vegetables omitted entirely on purpose.)
Four websites I visit daily:
(1) Gmail; (2) myspace; (3) everyone on this blogroll; and (4) New York Times.
Four places I would rather be right now:
(1) On a beach, sipping a pina colada; (2) at a spa, getting a massage; (3) back in school; (4) in my bed, sleeping.
This was fun! I tag Anna and anyone else who is interested in playing!
PS: I read Annie’s new blog on Smart at Love, about Stiletto Relationships, and wow, did she hit the nail right on the head for me and Sebastian!
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05.18.07
Posted in the Secret Experiment at 11:07 pm by Anna
Well, this focussing on the good stuff is harder than I thought. It went well for most of the day, but by the time it got to evening, someone brought up Wally and I started saying why I was mad at him, and by the time I caught myself, I was basically happy that we broke up, and still don’t feel like I ever want to see him again. Maybe that is real. Maybe I”m just way better off without him. I’m still going to focus on what I want in a relationship and in a man…but I’m disappointed that I got derailed on my very first day. I’m still in a crappy mood from it….
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Posted in L.A. Adventures at 3:04 pm by Nicole
I put aside my mopey last night and hit the town with a friend. I knew it would be a good night when, after deciding that my jeans and a black sweater look would just not do, I stumbled into Barney’s Co-Op and stumbled out with the cutest black sweatshirt mini-dress with a peter pan collar you ever did see. And did I mention that it was made entirely of sweatshirt material?? I changed in the bathroom of the restaurant after dinner.
We went to a party in Hollywood, at the Stoli Hotel. (Promotional thing with Stoli, fake hotel that is really just a club, here for the month of May.) Because my friend had the hook up, we got to bypass the line and get in free. And yay for the open bar!! We had a ton of fun, people watched some very very minor celebrities, and danced all night long. Just what I needed to get my mind (if even for just a little bit) off my stupid dramas.
Here’s hoping the weekend will bring more of the same! (Have a great one, everyone!)
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05.17.07
Posted in the Secret Experiment at 4:28 pm by Anna
Okay, I am exhausted today and irritable. Everyone at work is getting on my nerves. I usually don’t generalize, but it’s a fact - people in LA can be such diva’s sometimes. Right now I’m working with a celebrity hairdresser and she is more demanding, temperamental and touchy than all the celebrities I’ve ever met, combined! I am not kidding, she almost walked off the set today because they got her the wrong brand of bottled water. Hard to believe, but maybe she has a designer bladder.
I think this is pretty universal, but when I’m in the worst mood, I seem to attract chaos wherever I go. Traffic jams, technical problems, difficult people. The whole day seems to start off badly and it spirals downward. I’ve had a few days in a row like that, and it’s got to stop!
On the other hand, when I’m in a good mood - thinking and feeling positive and high energy - things just go my way. In the movie the Secret, they talk about the Law of Attraction, which says that whatever you focus on, you attract into your life. If you focus on what you don’t want, you’ll attract that…but if you focus on what you do want, it’s easier to draw it to you. I believe that to some extent. But how much does it really work? Can it totally change a relationship? A situtation? A life?
One of the teachers of the Secret, Jack Canfield says it takes 40 days in a row to change your thinking patterns. So…
I’m embarking on a brand new ‘Secret (but public) Experiment’. For the next 40 days!
1. I am not going to allow myself to focus on the things I don’t like about Wally, or the things I’m still upset about. I am only going to focus on what I like about him, the great things he’s said & done; and what I want in a relationship - whether it’s with him or someone else.
2. I will not allow myself to focus on my house redecorating woes, or my financial stress. I’m going to focus on what is going great in my life and what I want to create and attract.
3. Every morning I will do affirmations and visualizations (highly reccomended in the Secret)!
4. I will put up visual displays around me of the things I want to attract (for ex. the house, relationship etc).
5. I will pay attention to my thoughts and when they are negative, I will change the thought.
6. Every evening I will look back on the day and notice all the times when the Law of Attracion was at play in my life - for better or for worse.
7. I will blog about this every day for the next 40 days, so I can keep track of the progress.
Let’s see if this stuff really works…let’s see if anything changes in my life!! If it improves my relationshp with Wally, then I’ll know it really works - and if I can do it, anyone can.
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Posted in Dating Diaries at 1:27 pm by Nicole
The last time I was sick to my stomach and had to puke was when I was five. I only remember it vaguely, just what my parents told me, and only that it was brought on by an overindulgent incident with SEVERAL maraschino cherries. (Used to love ‘em, now notsomuch.) I have been deathly afraid of puking ever since. I don’t feel sick often - lucky genes - but whenever I do get that queasy feeling, I immediately freak out. ”Is this what being naseaous feels like? Am I going to be chained to my bathroom? Will I start crying? Does it hurt?” Not to mention, “This cannot be the time I break my no-puking streak!”
I think I feel the same way with the whole concept of being cheated on. Or not even being cheated on, but dumped for another woman. Since I have never (that I know of) experienced it, I am SO SO SO freaked out about the possibility that I become that paranoid crazy girl. (I have broken up with ex-boyfriends for a variety of other reasons, but they have all thoughtfully refrained from pulling the “other woman” card on me.) “Is this it? Is he cheating? Does he like her better? Is there another woman? If not her, then someone else? Could I handle it if there was? Will I completely fall apart? What would it do to my self-esteem? How much will it hurt? How long would I need to get over it?” And of course, like puking, it is built up so much in my mind of something I never want to experience ever, that I am deathly afraid of it actually happening.
(Somehow, though, a tiny voice inside my head tells me that I would be ok.)
Which is not to let Sebastian off the hook. I have been in relationships with this issue before, and none have made me feel as insecure as he does. In fact, even though I’m deathly afraid of cheating, I never ever worried about it with SP. So I know its not just my problem.
But it *is* just my problem in the sense that it is Driving. Me. Crazy. When will it stop? I am so tired from the drama - of wondering where he is, what he is doing, what he is thinking, what does he want, he says this but does he really mean it, blah blah blah. Can’t I just wake up one morning and have him erased from my memory, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind - style? Or, at the very least, can I just wake up one morning and remember him but just be over him already?
Every minute - every second is a struggle. My mind is trained to automatically obsess about our relationship. And when I do that, I tend to think in terms of worst-case scenarios. I am trying to re-train my brain, but it is hard to think of new good thoughts to replace the obsessive ones.
Especially when all I can think about was the last time we were together. We were laughing, singing along to the radio in the car, and all of a sudden he turned to me and said, “This is so great. You are going to miss me when I’m gone.” I teared up right then and there for all that was and was not said in those two little sentences - our relationship distilled into thirteen words. “Yes, I will,” I replied. “But you will miss me too.”
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