05.31.07
Day 14: What to Do When Heartbreak Hits
Today I woke up feeling that any shred of hope I’ve ever had about a future friendship, romance, anything with Wally was nothing but a pathetic illusion. I looked at our history - the patterns of him turning his back so coldly (seemingly) everytime we break up and when I want us to fight for it; or the way he never seems to be there when I need him, the way he seems to be able to turn his emotions off so easily…I know a lot of this is just my perception, and there are 2 sides to every story, but either way…I simply never seemed to get what I need. Or rarely anyway.
It feels like he’s gone. I used to feel him with me all the time, whether we were dating or not. We both had a similar experience of feeling each other’s presence throughout the day. Now it’s different. I feel this separation, like cold grease, in the marrow of my bones.
In a deep way he is gone.
And somehow it is freeing. Devasting too. But I know that I am acknowledging a truth. And no matter what, that’s gotta be the first step towards a better way. I know Wally and I have not yet found our way. Maybe we never will. I’m not sure if I believe that or not. But the voice I keep hearing in my head says, “Not now.” Maybe that means there is a possibility for later, maybe it means “No” in the only way I can hear and accept it right now.
So I’m sticking to my plan - focus on my own happiness, and what I want in a relationship. And that can only attract some relief, at the very least.
And I know this for sure: With every fiber of my being, I love him. Deeply, passionately, imperfectly, unconditionally.
In the past I’ve always wanted to know the guy was upset over losing me, and that he couldn’t forget me. But this time it’s different, (maybe I’m growing - what a concept!). I think am obsessing and suffering enough for the 2 of us. I don’t need the ego satisfaction of him moping around and being miserable, so I can feel better about myself. I hope he is moving on, and happy. At least 1 of us should be. And hopefully soon, I’ll make it 2.