05.26.07
Day 9: Frantic Healing
Out of desperation, I decided to get serious and heal myself of this heavy Wally chain around my neck. So I started writing about all the things I did in the relaionship that I can take responsibility for, so I can acknowledge them and get closure. Since Wally and I aren’t even talking, I thank God for this blog!
I know that even though I did a lot of stuff for him, in a way I was selfish. A part of me was auditioning for the role of his wife &/or adored girlfriend. I loved the way he admired me, and the way people thought we were so cute together. The way he praised me covered up my own insecurities so I didn’t have to deal with my own lack of self-esteem. And I played a lot of games to get a specific reaction from him (to appreciate me, pursue me, etc) without paying enough attention to how it would actually make him feel. Although I hated the way he could be self-absorbed, my attitude about the relationship was very all-about-me. Ugh!
The whole time we were together, I was mad at him about our past, and a big part of me didn’t trust him. After all, what kind of guy says he loves you more than he’s ever loved anyone, and a few months after we break up goes back with his ex? I wanted a grand gesture before we got back together, and never got one. But I needed to own whatever was going on with me, and either get over it somehow or get out of the relationship. Instead I did neither, but I resented him and used it as a barrier between us.
I’m not good in the forgiveness department. I still haven’t totally forgiven him for everything, but I’m working on it. Not for his sake, but for mine!!! I don’t want to be the resentful, vengeful girl - that makes me small and needy. I want to be the benevolent, happy girl. Because I know that is my only ticket out of this hell, and the best way to attract the relationship I really want.
bpgirl said,
May 27, 2007 at 1:16 pm
Well, I like the way you own up to your stuff in the relationship, I think that is the first step to healing and moving on. It’s all about learning from our mistakes, isn’t it. When I”m desperate for my BF to act in a certain way he never does, but when I let it go, he comes around. Kinda wierd.
TanyaT said,
May 27, 2007 at 2:43 pm
I’ve been reading your blogs and I was hoping you’d get over this guy soon, but maybe he’s not so bad. Now that we know there are 2 sides to the story, If he tries to come back to you, maybe you should give him a 2nd chance?
sweetvictory said,
May 27, 2007 at 6:33 pm
Nooooo!! She deserves someone better! He is immature, runs away from his feelings and…sounds like an angry person. Anna can do better!
jason-facin' said,
May 27, 2007 at 10:10 pm
Ladies, let me tell you about love: it is unpredictable and out of control. This girl needs to tell boyfriend Good-Bye and move her gorgeous self onward & upward. But ladies, take it from me, men can’t resist a woman who knows what she wants and isn’t afraid to go get it. He’ll be back, alright. Just work it Anna, you diva!
Anna said,
May 27, 2007 at 10:41 pm
Thank you all for your support. Honestly, I don’t think the choice to take him back is mine right now. He’s not even talking to me! But you all have a point - we’ve been on and off before, and I should be clear about what I want, just in case…