05.25.07
Same old story, not much to say: Hearts are broken everyday…
He’s gone. Drove off down my street without looking back. I cried and waved at his car until I could no longer see it. Did I imagine him smiling, like “Free at last!”? Why do I always have to sabotage these moments for myself?
He hugged me and kissed me and said, “I love you” right before he left. The night before, he let me rest my head on his shoulder, wrapped his arms around me, and held me tight. My tears fell onto his chest and ran down on the pillow. I tried to remember everything - the exact outline of his face, that mole on his left cheek, the way he smells, the warmth of his body, the smoothness of his skin. “I hate that you are leaving,” my voice punctuated the new morning light. “Sweetie, me too,” he replied, breathing into my ear and kissing my cheek. I don’t think he really meant it, but I took it in that moment.
I was mopey and on the verge of tears all night. I’m sure I wasn’t a joy to have been around. He was late to meet me and I felt he wasn’t doing enough, like he didn’t care that it was over, that he was leaving, that he would (maybe) never see me again. I couldn’t see all that he did do for me - how he went to me, like I had asked him to, to spend his last hours with me. How he was trying to keep his energy up, cheer me up, tell me that our story isn’t over. How he did not understand, but was trying to, why I was so sad.
He fell asleep before I did, as I was tracing my fingers on his back, playing connect the dots and writing, “I love yous” on his skin. With his even breath, all the good and all the bad about the relationship swirled around me in the room. Our tender moments, the distrust, how we laugh together, the hurtful words, singing along to the radio in the car, the guilt trips, the energy and excitement, the drama, feeling safe and protected. I fell asleep with my head resting on his shoulder, my legs over his, his breath fluttering in my ear, letting it - all of it, good and bad - dance in patterns over me.
It was the story of us.
*kb* said,
May 25, 2007 at 10:39 am
You always strike a cord with me in your writing and now I’m sitting here at work all teary eyed.
Anna said,
May 25, 2007 at 11:36 pm
There is nothing sadder than a Good-Bye, but I agree with him, your story just might not be over yet!
sweet victory said,
May 26, 2007 at 7:17 pm
Oh my goodness - what a tearjerker. How sad! Last year my boyfriend got transferred to France for 3 months. I think I sobbed for about 5 hours straight when he left. I”m surprised I didn’t get addicted to something!
bpgirl said,
May 26, 2007 at 7:26 pm
Wow, I had a similar experience in college. My BF did a semester abroad and I was depressed the whole time he was gone. But they always come back, they can’t live without us! LOL!
sweetvictory said,
May 27, 2007 at 6:35 pm
I agree. Ultimately men need women more than they ever admit.
jason-facin' said,
May 27, 2007 at 10:07 pm
Oh, honey I just wept like a weeping willow when I read this story. You poor thing! He is crazy to leave you, girl. Don’t you forget that you are fabulous. You are a diva!