05.31.07
Posted in the Secret Experiment at 10:39 pm by Anna
Today I woke up feeling that any shred of hope I’ve ever had about a future friendship, romance, anything with Wally was nothing but a pathetic illusion. I looked at our history - the patterns of him turning his back so coldly (seemingly) everytime we break up and when I want us to fight for it; or the way he never seems to be there when I need him, the way he seems to be able to turn his emotions off so easily…I know a lot of this is just my perception, and there are 2 sides to every story, but either way…I simply never seemed to get what I need. Or rarely anyway.
It feels like he’s gone. I used to feel him with me all the time, whether we were dating or not. We both had a similar experience of feeling each other’s presence throughout the day. Now it’s different. I feel this separation, like cold grease, in the marrow of my bones.
In a deep way he is gone.
And somehow it is freeing. Devasting too. But I know that I am acknowledging a truth. And no matter what, that’s gotta be the first step towards a better way. I know Wally and I have not yet found our way. Maybe we never will. I’m not sure if I believe that or not. But the voice I keep hearing in my head says, “Not now.” Maybe that means there is a possibility for later, maybe it means “No” in the only way I can hear and accept it right now.
So I’m sticking to my plan - focus on my own happiness, and what I want in a relationship. And that can only attract some relief, at the very least.
And I know this for sure: With every fiber of my being, I love him. Deeply, passionately, imperfectly, unconditionally.
In the past I’ve always wanted to know the guy was upset over losing me, and that he couldn’t forget me. But this time it’s different, (maybe I’m growing - what a concept!). I think am obsessing and suffering enough for the 2 of us. I don’t need the ego satisfaction of him moping around and being miserable, so I can feel better about myself. I hope he is moving on, and happy. At least 1 of us should be. And hopefully soon, I’ll make it 2.
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05.30.07
Posted in the Secret Experiment at 8:18 pm by Anna
The number 13 wasn’t always considered unlucky - it used to be considered a time of heightened good fortune, when witches (good ones) could perform important rituals that would benefit the community or the village. And they used to do these on the full moon, which tonight is.
Tonight I feel like I am a witch (a good one!) And I feel the magic of the perfectly round moon. I feel my feminine power rising up and becoming brighter & stronger…more potent.
I don’t know what any of this means. But I know I have a happy ending in store for myself. When, where and how is still a mystery, but I am not the pathetic, needy little girl I was when I pined for Wally these past 6 months, or dated him these past few months. I feel like I’ve grown into someone of a higher caliber. Nothing about me or my life has changed. Except I am now dedicated to my own happiness, and that makes all the difference.
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Posted in Dating Diaries at 9:31 am by Nicole
I’m feeling pretty good, even hopeful, today. Not necessarily hopeful that I will get back together with Sebastian - there may be too much blood under that bridge already - but hopeful that everything will work itself out like how it is supposed to be.
It always amazes me how fickle my emotions are, and how just one small thing can instantly make it turn on a dime. The fact that he called to invite me to visit him. That he wanted to share this new life, this new experience with me. Nevermind that I don’t know if I would actually go, it’s the offer that counts. Nevermind that today is a new day, a new perspective, a new opportunity for him to change his mind or forget about me. Nevermind that still for all intents and purposes he has nothing holding him to me and I have nothing holding me to him. All that matters is that today, right now, and last night, I knew I was still loved, I knew he still cared. I am not yesterday’s news.
Maybe, even, he misses me. Maybe he thinks about me sometimes. Maybe he sees little things that remind him of me everyday. Maybe, even, like he told me last night, he just called because he wanted to hear my voice right before he went to sleep. “Sweet dreams,” I told him, and I, too, went to bed with a smile on my face.
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05.29.07
Posted in the Secret Experiment at 8:36 pm by Anna
I was exhausted and having a hard time staying positive. I was so up and down, I decided to keep a log of my erratic thoughts, just for laughs:
10:17 Depressed. Had the thought that anything between me and Wally in the future is impossible.
10:45 Wondered if that was really true. Called 2 friends to ask their opinion, but thankfully got their vm’s.
11:22 Noticed I was being completely unproductive, living in reveries of my last romantic and sweet weeks with him.
11:55 Contemplated going to an astrologer or psychic, but I’m not sure I believe in them.
12:30 Took a lunch break and looked at all my pics of him on my phone - he is so cute! Knew for sure that I had to have him back no matter what.
2:30 Made an appointment to get my hair dyed a lighter shade of blonde hoping I’ll feel hotter (I know, pathetic!). I’m deathly afraid of dying my hair, this better be worth it!
2:45 Optomistic. Did a visualization of him calling me and wanting me back.
4:30 Devastated. Decided he can never give me what I want and I don’t love him that much anyway.
6:00 Decided the future is unknown and all I can do is live in the present; and focus on making the best choices for my own life.
7:18 Did a page of affirmations on how we are going to get back together.
8:10 Got mad at myself for obsessing over him too much.
8:11 Looked at more pics of him on my computer. .
So you see, continuity is not exactly my middle name…
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Posted in Dating Diaries at 10:11 am by Nicole
Things I miss about Sebastian: The way he smells, sleeping next to him, when he puts his arm over my shoulder or holds my hand, his crazy driving, his soft hair, eating out at fabulous restaurants with him, knowing (generally) what he is doing, the way his jeans fit him perfectly, watching him dance around, when he cooks for me, talking with him about future plans together (even if they never come true), and his energy.
Things I do not miss about Sebastian: Not knowing what my plans will be until the last possibile minute, feeling disappointed/rejected/not a priority, worrying about worst case scenarios (ok, I still do that), and the games and the drama (likely all in my head but still associated with him).
We’re in touch. At least for this weekend, we have been talking about once a day. I both love it and hate it. I love that he still thinks of me, that he wants to share his experiences with me, that we have that friendship. I hate hearing that his life goes on without me, that he’s having a great time, that other girls have wanted to give him their phone numbers (but he hasn’t accepted, apparently). I don’t quite know where to draw the line with the phone calls. I don’t know how much to share, how affectionate I can be (do I tell him I miss him and love him?), how demanding I can be (can I say “call me later today or tomorrow?”). I know I should let whatever happens develop organically - if we speak everyday great, if not, no big deal. But, in my world of managing expectations I work better in boundaries. I guess I will just stumble through it, one day at a time.
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05.28.07
Posted in the Secret Experiment at 8:44 pm by Anna
You’re treating me kind, sweet destiny…
Okay, Now I’m gaining momentum with this Law of Attraction thing.
My big realization: Last year when Wally and I almost got back together but didn’t, and he got back together with Agnes (aka ‘the cow’), I was traumatized. I knew they’d break up, and I waited in silent agony for 6 months!
I felt rejected and victimized - even though if you talk to him, he says he still loved me but didn’t think it could work out. When we finally got back together in Hawaii (yes, that’s the real story), underneath everything I said and did, I was vibin on rejection. All the things I wanted to hear him say, the love I desperately needed him to express, the longing for that magic in every moment we spent together…it was coming from a place of trying to resist the constant rejection I felt and couldn’t get over, and was trying with all my might to avoid.
In the Secret, the teachers say that the Law of Attraction brings us whatever we think of. Mostly we think about what we don’t want, instead of what we do want. But by focussing on what we do want, we can bring it into our lives. (I think it also has to do with our beliefs about ourselves too.) So I was trying to chase validation and adoration because I was running from the rejection that was haunting me. So ironically, by trying so hard to get the opposite of rejection, I was really focussing on it, and attracting it into my life even more. And our past never stopped bugging me like a spiker up my butt.
And now, it’s no mystery - I got what I was trying to avoid - the expereince of rejection. I felt dismissed, brushed aside and neglected all the time, sometimes for no reason. And everything I needed him to say, he did say in his own Wally way, but I never got the satisaction from it. Even when he was so excited to see me, or said he couldn’t stop thinking about me.
So my solution? To focus on love. Wally or not. I’m not vibin on thoughts of limitation, rejection, neediness and lack. (I reject them!) Those days are over. I’m all about love and happiness. No matter what happens with him. I choose to experience happiness and peace in my life.
This is where I was at all day, and I literally felt buzzed…(I wasn’t).
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05.27.07
Posted in the Secret Experiment at 10:21 pm by Anna
Today is the first day I think I’ve really done this ‘Secret’ stuff the way I’m supposed to. Therefore, in a way it’s the first time - maybe I’m a Secret Virgin.!
I did all the visualizations in the morning, and throughout the day, when I caught myself thinking of all the things Wally did that make me furious, I used my willpower to stop thinking those thoughts, and visualize what I want instead.
(Oh, by the way, I’m not mad at him anymore. I told Nicole today that even a rollercoaster is more predictable and rational than I am these days - I go up and down like a yo-yo on steroids.)
The whole day I felt heartbroken. I missed him. I don’t know if my desire for him was just the lonliness kicking in, or the fact that I wasn’t exhausted for a change, (which is when I get totally cranky and mad at him).
Anyway, I’m still sad and confused, but I’m much better than the past few weeks - I feel like I’m taking my life back into my own hands. I just did the exercise of going through the day and noticing everytime the Law of Attraction was at work. Like how I’d think of something then it happened, or I changed my attitude about something and the situation changed immediately…there were like 5 incidents like that…I’m getting into this.
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05.26.07
Posted in the Secret Experiment at 10:11 pm by Anna
Out of desperation, I decided to get serious and heal myself of this heavy Wally chain around my neck. So I started writing about all the things I did in the relaionship that I can take responsibility for, so I can acknowledge them and get closure. Since Wally and I aren’t even talking, I thank God for this blog!
I know that even though I did a lot of stuff for him, in a way I was selfish. A part of me was auditioning for the role of his wife &/or adored girlfriend. I loved the way he admired me, and the way people thought we were so cute together. The way he praised me covered up my own insecurities so I didn’t have to deal with my own lack of self-esteem. And I played a lot of games to get a specific reaction from him (to appreciate me, pursue me, etc) without paying enough attention to how it would actually make him feel. Although I hated the way he could be self-absorbed, my attitude about the relationship was very all-about-me. Ugh!
The whole time we were together, I was mad at him about our past, and a big part of me didn’t trust him. After all, what kind of guy says he loves you more than he’s ever loved anyone, and a few months after we break up goes back with his ex? I wanted a grand gesture before we got back together, and never got one. But I needed to own whatever was going on with me, and either get over it somehow or get out of the relationship. Instead I did neither, but I resented him and used it as a barrier between us.
I’m not good in the forgiveness department. I still haven’t totally forgiven him for everything, but I’m working on it. Not for his sake, but for mine!!! I don’t want to be the resentful, vengeful girl - that makes me small and needy. I want to be the benevolent, happy girl. Because I know that is my only ticket out of this hell, and the best way to attract the relationship I really want.
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05.25.07
Posted in the Secret Experiment at 11:44 pm by Anna
I’ve been thinking about how my thoughts create my reality. Is that really true & how do I know? Is there such a thing as destiny? Is the final chapter of my story with Wally already written by some unknown author in the sky? If so, why am I not allowed to see it, or at least peek at the trailor?
It’s interesting, even though I have not texted anything dramatic or negative to Wally (in fact, just the opposite), he told me he didn’t want to be in touch because of all the drama…on one hand that sounds crazy. All my communications were low-key & super-positive. But on the other hand, from the point of view of the Law of Attraction, my thoughts were all poor-me, he’s-a-criminal. What a cliche! So in a weird way, the universe was reflecting my own mind
back to me…Hmmm…
I did focus on feeling good today. I focussed on my own inner happiness - not waiting for him to do what I want, say what I want or validate me in anyway. I just focussed on the feeling of happiness. And it worked! I felt better this afternoon than I’ve felt in along time, and it was for no apparant reason. The feeling wasn’t a reaction to anything, I just created it out of thin air. I’ve always been taught we cannot control our feelings, and it’s unhealthy to try. But today I literally made a decision to feel happy and it worked, and it was real. Is this one small step for me, and a possible giant step for womankind?
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Posted in Dating Diaries at 10:13 am by Nicole
He’s gone. Drove off down my street without looking back. I cried and waved at his car until I could no longer see it. Did I imagine him smiling, like “Free at last!”? Why do I always have to sabotage these moments for myself?
He hugged me and kissed me and said, “I love you” right before he left. The night before, he let me rest my head on his shoulder, wrapped his arms around me, and held me tight. My tears fell onto his chest and ran down on the pillow. I tried to remember everything - the exact outline of his face, that mole on his left cheek, the way he smells, the warmth of his body, the smoothness of his skin. “I hate that you are leaving,” my voice punctuated the new morning light. “Sweetie, me too,” he replied, breathing into my ear and kissing my cheek. I don’t think he really meant it, but I took it in that moment.
I was mopey and on the verge of tears all night. I’m sure I wasn’t a joy to have been around. He was late to meet me and I felt he wasn’t doing enough, like he didn’t care that it was over, that he was leaving, that he would (maybe) never see me again. I couldn’t see all that he did do for me - how he went to me, like I had asked him to, to spend his last hours with me. How he was trying to keep his energy up, cheer me up, tell me that our story isn’t over. How he did not understand, but was trying to, why I was so sad.
He fell asleep before I did, as I was tracing my fingers on his back, playing connect the dots and writing, “I love yous” on his skin. With his even breath, all the good and all the bad about the relationship swirled around me in the room. Our tender moments, the distrust, how we laugh together, the hurtful words, singing along to the radio in the car, the guilt trips, the energy and excitement, the drama, feeling safe and protected. I fell asleep with my head resting on his shoulder, my legs over his, his breath fluttering in my ear, letting it - all of it, good and bad - dance in patterns over me.
It was the story of us.
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