04.26.07
Posted in Dating Diaries at 6:42 pm by Nicole
I’d be lying if I said I was over it - over him - already. I’d also be lying if I said that it doesn’t eat me away inside, just a little, wondering what he is up to tonight and who he is with.
But, the honest truth is that I don’t care as much as I thought I would. Yay for small victories, I guess!
It may be because I have plans myself: An art party with an open bar, with a friend that I haven’t seen in forever, and the need to get the bed at a decent hour.
I’m taking it day by day (or night by night, as the case my be). Whatever gets us through, right?
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04.24.07
Posted in Dating Diaries at 6:06 pm by Nicole
Losing makes me sorry; well, now honey, don’t worry. Don’t you know, I love you too. That’s the way love goes.
I’m going to try this new thing where whenever I think about missing Sebastian or him moving away, or him dating other women, I’m going to force myself to stop, reassess, and think about the positive. Now this could be that I think about the good times that we had together, or how I’m better off without him, or whatever, but I’m just not going to let myself think about him in a way that gets me down. I mean, what’s the point? It is no fun for me to wallow in the “could have been’s” and the “why isn’t it me’s” (or the “why isn’t it him’s”) and, it is no fun for him to spend his last few days here with someone all down and depressed. In any case, I definitely don’t want that to be his last impression of me.
Letting go of both good and bad things in your life is hard. Even harder is letting go of someone that was a little bit of both. Today, the thought of coming into work without thinking about whether Sebastian was still sleeping or not made me inexplicably sad. I devote so much brain space to this boy and our dramas, I wonder what I will think about when he’s not a part of my (everyday) life anymore. I guess we will see. I keep reminding myself that broken hearts mend, that they are only temporary, and that I have survived - yes, that is the word - such moving away circumstances before, not just with Sebastian, but also with boyfriends past. Some I remained close to, some faded out of my life, and yes, it is sad, but I will move on and that is life. And I wouldn’t have my life any other way.
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04.23.07
Posted in Dating Diaries at 1:41 pm by Nicole
I used to say that I didn’t know how he felt about me, where this is going. I used to say that I would ask him, straight up, the next time I see him. Yeah, I’ll get right on that. What I didn’t say was that I never asked, because I knew what the answer would be: Nowhere. He’s not the one for me.
He forced my hand this weekend, I stopped playing the game. He said exactly the opposite of what I wanted to hear at every opportunity. By Sunday night I was worn down. Enough. I give up trying to make you love me. I accept that you don’t. Or, at least, not how I need to be.
I should be used to this by now. It isn’t the first time he’s left. Or even the first time he’s left me. This time, however, is the first time that they are occurring at the same time, and the last timeI will let this happen to me. Maybe we can be friends, but I can’t live in this tar pit anymore. I look towards next month as the start of the next period in my life. It may be an infinitely more boring period, but at least I won’t feel like crying all the time.
I keep thinking to the last time we broke up. I had a date the very next weekend, with an Architect. He was everything Sebastian was not - educated, worldly, thoughtful, measured. It wasn’t a bad date, per se, but after it was over, I felt even worse about everything, and missed Sebastian even more. When I got home that night, I wrote this letter to him, which, of course, I never did send:
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