03.30.07
It’s funny what you know, but still go on pretending - with no good evidence there’ll ever be that happy ending
I know, deep down, that the problem is me. The constant, “If only he did this” or “If only he was more like that,” it is avoidance, shifting the blame and playing the victim of circumstance when, really, it’s not that way at all. We choose our own circumstances, we can choose who we love.
I have been settling for two half-relationships instead of one full one. It’s like a band-aid that covers the problem - keeping busy, secret phone calls in the bathroom, different outfits - sometimes I can’t even keep track. It’s amazing how easy it is. Ironically, my greatest fear is to be cheated on (fingers crossed, knock on wood that it won’t ever happen).
I can justify it endlessly: He’s not giving me what I want, he’s going away, the timing isn’t right, I just need to give him time, I never made a committment, my heart is true, I am just protecting myself, etc. And what it is, is that I use them as crutches for each other. One as a safety net to shield me from getting hurt, the other as the forbidden rush that makes me appreciate the consistency and kindness. One can’t exist without the other. Or, I can’t exist with one but not the other.
And maybe what I’m doing is just my way of coasting, of living in denial to the fact that neither of them are right for me and, in the end, I must start all over again. From the uncomfortable first dates, to the meeting of the mothers, to the finding out strengths and weaknesses, to getting hurt (even if unintentionally), to discovering, in an instant, that thing he does to make you smile and the other thing that drives you crazy - all of it, all over again. I’m tired just thinking about it, nevermind living it.
Spring is here; Groundhog day has come and gone. I wonder how long it will be before I grow up too.