03.30.07
Posted in Dating Diaries at 3:09 pm by Nicole
I know, deep down, that the problem is me. The constant, “If only he did this” or “If only he was more like that,” it is avoidance, shifting the blame and playing the victim of circumstance when, really, it’s not that way at all. We choose our own circumstances, we can choose who we love.
I have been settling for two half-relationships instead of one full one. It’s like a band-aid that covers the problem - keeping busy, secret phone calls in the bathroom, different outfits - sometimes I can’t even keep track. It’s amazing how easy it is. Ironically, my greatest fear is to be cheated on (fingers crossed, knock on wood that it won’t ever happen).
I can justify it endlessly: He’s not giving me what I want, he’s going away, the timing isn’t right, I just need to give him time, I never made a committment, my heart is true, I am just protecting myself, etc. And what it is, is that I use them as crutches for each other. One as a safety net to shield me from getting hurt, the other as the forbidden rush that makes me appreciate the consistency and kindness. One can’t exist without the other. Or, I can’t exist with one but not the other.
And maybe what I’m doing is just my way of coasting, of living in denial to the fact that neither of them are right for me and, in the end, I must start all over again. From the uncomfortable first dates, to the meeting of the mothers, to the finding out strengths and weaknesses, to getting hurt (even if unintentionally), to discovering, in an instant, that thing he does to make you smile and the other thing that drives you crazy - all of it, all over again. I’m tired just thinking about it, nevermind living it.
Spring is here; Groundhog day has come and gone. I wonder how long it will be before I grow up too.
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03.20.07
Posted in L.A. Adventures at 12:27 pm by Nicole
One of the best things about living in LA is its close proximity to Vegas. Vegas is anything goes, pure fun. It is lounging by the pool during the day, having a fantastic dinner, and then partying it up at night. It is smearing on lip balm and moisturizer at all times because the air is so dry that it hurts.
I am going to Vegas this weekend and I cannot wait!
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03.16.07
Posted in Dating Diaries at 2:51 pm by Nicole
I know you like chicken wings, sleep during the day, and drink vodka tonics at bars, beer or whiskey at home. You like Dr. Pepper, sweet smells, old school country music, and will leave your lights, computer, heater, and radio on when you leave your apartment. You sleep in your boxers, no shirt, diagonally, and snore when you are really tired or really drunk. You have the most awesome boxers ever, but your favorites are the Ralph Lauren plaid ones. You never sweat, are never too hot or too cold. You walk fast, your jeans (you only like light washed denim) hang low. Your Quiksilver socks have holes in them but you wear them anyway. Your hair is almost always perfectly done, is so soft, and always smells like flowers. You get really excited about things at first, but the excitement fades fast and then you are on to the next thing. You call waiters, bartenders, and valets “Sir” and make small talk with them. You like leisurely meals where they take the drink, appetizers, and entree orders separately and not all at once. But you rarely eat dessert. Your car matches you perfectly. Your accent comes out sometimes and it’s so sweet. You say “It’s all relevant” when you really mean “It’s all relative” and “I don’t give a fuck” when you sometimes really do even though you know I hate when you say that because I believe it to be true.
I love you for all these reasons and more. Mostly, I just love you for reasons I could never really explain, except to say that I have never known anyone like you and that now that I do, my life would forever be a little less than, if you were no longer in it.
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03.15.07
Posted in L.A. Adventures at 4:27 pm by Nicole
Ok, well, enough with the melancholy here on this blog. This is supposed to be 100 Different Things, right? And not 100 Different Ways to Over-Analyze the Fact that He’s Not Calling Because He May Be Sleeping with Debbie From Work. (Or, you know, what ever. I’m not bitter.) So here is something I am actually happy and excited about:
My Bliss Triple Oxygen Facial tonight. I KNOW! A facial on a weeknight? How entirely decadent. But the truth is that I am long overdue for a facial and this was the soonest they could take me. I love the fact that the Bliss Spa is open until 9pm every day, including Sundays. And I must admit that their brazilian wax is indeed less painful than others I have tried. (I also like that they use a new popsicle stick every single time they dip into the wax. It’s so hygienic.)
Before Bliss came to LA, I thought it was just a cheesy, overrated spa. I mean, their products are way too over-hyped, they have those ridiculous cutesy names, and practically everything smells like their signature “lemon sage” scent, which is okay, but…sort of smells like Bath and Body Works. Which reminds me of college (remember when EVERYONE wore sun-ripened raspberry or country apple?).
So anyway. Yes. The triple oxygen. My face glows for at least a week after I get it. And I don’t break out afterwards, like you do sometimes after facials. (The oxygen is supposed to also be anti-bacterial.) I highly recommend it.
I also recommend going straight down to the bar after the facial (don’t laugh, it will be a proper drinking hour by then) and ordering a cocktail (I like Grey Goose Pear and Sprite). You know, to continue the good times. Because we deserve it.
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03.12.07
Posted in Dating Diaries at 9:26 am by Nicole
I am afraid that you will never love me how I deserve to be loved. I am afraid that I will never feel with another guy the same way I feel when I am with you. I am afraid that one day you will cheat on me. I am afraid that you will force me to leave you. I am afraid that even a friendship couldn’t be salvaged. I am afraid that because I am with you, I am giving up other chances to be with other men that will treat me better. I’m scared that your feelings for me will change suddenly and without notice, and you will leave. I’m scared that you think I’m forgettable, not the girl for you, just an intermediary or a placeholder until the right one comes along. I’m scared the right one already has and that you are looking for ways to tell me. I’m afraid that I will realize that we don’t have long-term potential. I’m afraid that I may have already given up all my power to be with you. I’m afraid that my friends will never like you. I’m afraid that I may not respect myself if I let myself stay with you. I think you may be toxic for me. I’m scared that you could be sleeping with other girls and that I could catch something which would just add insult to injury of my already broken heart. I fear that there is no one else in the world like you. I’m afraid that you will take me for granted forever. I’m afraid you will never realize how much I love you. I’m afraid that you won’t ever change. (Or, I’m afraid that I’m not the girl who you would change for.) I’m scared that I won’t ever get over you. I’m scared that the problem may be me, and that I only love you because you are so unavailable, and that these strong emotions that I am feeling are not about you at all, that all this is not about you at all. I’m scared that you will break my heart again. I’m scared that you are only with me by default. I’m scared that I will never be a priority. I’m scared that because I am so caught up in this, I may never recognize and appreciate all that you actually do for me. I’m afraid that you will never grow up. I’m scared that when you say that you are better off alone and don’t want to be in a relationship, what you really mean is that you don’t want to be in a relationship with me. And that you’d rather be alone than with me. I’m scared that I’m turning into a cliche. I’m scared that I will never be able to fully trust you. I’m scared that you could be lying to me and I’ll never know the truth. I’m afraid that I may have overstayed my welcome. I am afraid that you don’t know the real me, and that if you did, you wouldn’t like me anymore. I am scared I will lose you and will be forced to live the rest of my life just going through the motions.
I am afraid that you will never love me how I deserve to be loved.
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03.08.07
Posted in Dating Diaries at 3:55 pm by Nicole
I think the most romantic thing anyone has ever said to me was when Sebatian told me, over the twang of Johnny Cash playing from the jukebox in the bar, that while I may not know it, or realize it, he does ‘walk the line’ for me. My heart soaked it up, along with the earnesty in his eyes, and I wanted to throw my arms around his neck and kiss him hard. But I didn’t do that because Sebastian never liked any kind of PDA. So I settled for resting my head on his shoulder in a moment of affection. I thought I felt him stiffen under the weight.
And then he didn’t call me for three days.
I’ve always been an “actions speak louder than words” kind of girl. I find that in situations like this, and particularly with boys like him, I am actually the one watching my heart - to make sure it doesn’t get broken. And something about that doesn’t seem right.
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