100 Different Things

Boy, have I missed all you guys. I finally was able to take a breather and check the blog and approve all those comments from the last post. Thanks for the words of encouragement.

I was thinking about last year when Anna and I started this blog and how I felt then. Insecure, uncertain, searching for love from the wrong guy at the wrong time. How things have changed! I am happy, secure in his love, more confident in myself. I almost NEVER think of the past - except abstractly and fondly, as in “Ahh my past, I can’t believe I went through all of that to get here now!” The moral of this story is: Yes, you will find love. And yes, when you do, you will know.

Of course, it is not always all puppies and rainbows. If it was, it wouldn’t be real and it wouldn’t be life and I’d have nothing to blog about. Sometimes, I doubt myself. Sometimes, I fall down. Sometimes, I fail. I have bad days and pissy days and fat days and ugly days and my hair is a mess and I haven’t done laundry and I missed my Jury Duty. Sometimes I feel like I can’t get anything together.

But that is life, and I’m definitely living it.

PS: Super Awesome CONGRATULATIONS to Blogging Barbie, who recently announced a very brave and amazing decision to get out of her current field of work and start a new carreer. BB, that is great and I am so proud of you!

Sebastian has taken to randomly text messaging me.

Sometimes, it is innocuous statements like, “My sister just had a baby!”  Other times, its plaintive:  “I miss you.”

A few weeks ago he sent me this at one in the morning:  “I am sitting at the bar in the Four Seasons and thinking of you.  I know that you’ve moved on, but I wish we could be together.”

I had enough.  I have successfully put him in The Past, and he was refusing to stay there.  I texted him back, “You are right, I have moved on.  It was hard, but completely for the best.  Goodbye.”

No more than a minute passed when he texted back, “So, you really did move on, huh?”  I knew what he was trying to do.  Trying to draw me back in to his web, trying to test my resolve, trying to assuage his ego.  Little did he know that I was speaking (texting!) the truth, and that I have absolutely ZERO interest in him.  I haven’t sent another text.  I have said goodbye, and I mean it.

Hello!  I’m just popping in to say hi and to assure everyone that we are alive and kicking and having a blast in sunny LA.  We’ve just been so busy is all.  I hope things for me will calm down soon and I can go back to my regularly scheduled updates, but until then, please know that I’m reading all of your blogs and I’m hoping that everyone is doing well. 

xoxo, Nicole.

Hottie & I left things very uncertain last week before I went to Arizona to visit my Mother. We were supposed to meet on Monday when I got back, but Mom wasn’t feeling well so I stayed till Wednesday.

We just spoke by phone this afternoon. First of all, even his voice oozes sexiness. I tell you, it is gonna be hard if I have to let him go.

But I think I do have to let him go.

For the first time in my life, it’s not about him and how much he likes me or wants me or how romantic he is…it’s about me. And what I want. What I deserve and how I get so hurt every time I settle (ie Wally).

He sounded like he was almost close to tears. He said a few times how much he likes me, and he thinks he is falling in love. And how he never meets women that he feels this way about.

He said an equal amount of times how he just can’t see himself in a serious relationship right now and how he is soo not ready to get married.

I reminded him not to take me for granted and assume I want to marry him or get serious. (If he ever did want that he’d have to work for it, not just assume I’m his for the taking.) But I also gave him points for honesty.

He said he would have loved to just date me for a long time, but he knows we’d both get attached to each other and it wasn’t fair to either one of us, and the last thing in the world he wanted to do was hurt me.

He said if he could, he’d change anything & everything about himself just to make me happy. (I’ll replay that one in my head for a long time, it made it twice as hard to let him go.)

I said the politically correct & realistic thing: that I don’t want or expect him to change for me (though God knows I wish he could change just that 1 aspect of himself!)

And he asked if we could still hang out every once in a while, just as friends. I said yes. But honestly I don’t think that’s realistic, since we can’t keep our hands off each other for more than 15 minutes, tops.

After we hung up, I sat there for a few minutes in shock, even though I’d been expecting it. Then my boss called me, so I went back to work. About an hour later he texted me, “I miss you already. I am so sorry and I wish I could make you happy.”

I texted back, “I miss you too.”

Oh My God!

I got a call at work from Hottie. His voice sounded ominous. A few seconds of obligatory small talk and then, “Hey, I wanted to talk to you about something…when can I see you?”

I told him I couldn’t see him tonight because I was working till late and couldn’t get out of it. He wanted to make plans for Sunday night when I got back from Arizona, but I told him that now I was all curious and couldn’t wait that long. (I tried to be playful and not sound panicked.)

He basically said how much he likes me and he sees “this” having “long term potential”. He said, “You’re someone I could see myself with, but…” (I was waiting for the “but”). He met me about 1 month after his relationship ended with “B” his ex, and he just isn’t ready for another serious relationship yet.

He said he thought about this a lot because he wants to be fair to me. And he is torn because he wants to be with me, but is just not ready.

I said we’ve only been on a few dates and what’s the rush anyway? And where did he get the impression I was dying to be in a relationship? (I was feeling defensive and a little taken for granted that he’d assume I wanted a relationship with him - I want the guy to at least court me a little!!)

He said there’s no rush but he was already starting to have feelings for me, and he didn’t know if it was mutual. So “before we go there”, he wanted to be very upfront and honest.

Well, I respect his integrity and character…

We left it open. I wasn’t sure how to react. I’m not ready for a relationship yet either, I think we need to date more. But on the other hand, what if he needs a long time, like 6 months or something? And in the meantime does that mean he just wants to sleep around? See me and other women? That’s not something I can handle. I guess I’ve gotta clarify…

I’m definitely disappointed and feel let down, but I’m also strangely at peace with it.

It was so weird. I got 2 text messages, one right after the other.
The first, from Hottie who was “checking in to say Hi” and ask me out for Friday night. (I can’t because I have to go to visit my Mother in Arizona).

And the 2nd text message - as if by radar - was from my ex, Wally. As soon as I begin to forget him, something happens. It is so odd. A long time ago, I’d asked for some stuff back - including my favorite pair of running shoes, books and my best sunglasses.

He took his sweet time responding, and finally texts me now, of all times, just to say that he is engaged (which I knew) and when they moved into a new place together my stuff must have gotten lost and he’s so very sorry. And how is the running going, how is my sprained wrist, and how is my job?

I’m glad it happened when I have a little something going on of my own, but I don’t like being reminded of our disaster and his new flame, who has replaced me on every level. (How symbolic that that these things precious to me are totally lost and discarded..by her.)

I am not sure how to respond to him. Any advice?

Even though I now know he is not meant for me, a part of me wants to be friends. We used to have so much fun together. Even if this works out with Hottie, it’s 2 totally different kinds of connections and I still miss the one with Wally - even platonically.

Okay, I had a hot date with Hottie - finally!

During the 2 weeks I didn’t see him because he was in San Francisco…he grew stubble. When I saw him agan for lunch last Monday he looked gorgeous, but the stubble was even thicker last night. And I just have to say it took every ounce of willpower to not throw myself at him completely.

I am a sucker for stubble.

We went to dinner, and I am also a sucker for guys who open car doors, pull out chairs and are super-attentive…that’s him. Mr. Gorgeous & Attentive.

I know this is bad, but I was kinda waiting for the other shoe to drop - it felt too good to be true. I usually don’t have luck like this. But I just keep telling myself that after the misery of Wally, maybe it’s my karma balancing out!

Anyway, we went dancing on Main Street in Santa Monica, by the beach. I was wearing high heels and couldn’t boogie too, too much …so he held me close, his arms around my lower back, and was kind of swaying me. It’s so fun and sexy - that feeling of being wrapped in a guy’s strong supportive arms. I melted into them.

Then before I knew it he’d pulled my body completely up against his (Is that a roll of quarters in your pocket or ya just happy to be dancing with me?) and every inch of our bodies were touching.

He is a great kisser. We just click.

I like him sooo much, it is scarey!

I got home at 3:30am. I didn’t sleep with him…yet.

You guys would be proud of me. For the most part I am having a great time without worrying about the future, or sweating the small stuff…

I mean that literally, so no gagging neccessary!

Today I went out to lunch with Hottie and we foolishly decided to go for desert in Beverly Hills at this hot-spot called Sprinkles - a tiny little cupcake cafe 1/2 the size of a Duncan Donuts where they charge $3.25 for 1 cupcake, and you have to wait in line.

We waited for 1/2 an hour. Tourists were there from all over, taking pix & forking over $38 for Sprinkles Tshirts. It’s not just a store, it’s a movement. Seriously. Thank God I came in early so I could take a long lunch!

Don’t get me wrong, standing in line with something hot and delicious, waiting for something sweet and delicious was totally worth it.

They have 12 flavors - including cocunut creme, lemon ginger, red velvet, strawberry…I could go on and on. They are always perfect and sinfully sweet. (I got the red hot velvet…I figured something with a little spice seemed to fit the occassion.)

If anyone is interested, even their website is delicious.

www.sprinklescupcakes.com

Today’s just one of those days…I wonder what I’m doing with my life.

Do I want a boyfriend after all?
And if so where do I want it to go?
Do I truly want to get married?
Or would I have to give up too much freedom after all these years of being single?

How do I feel about Wally (my ex)?
Is my emotional reaction everytime I think of him real love?….
Or grieving a dream that died?…
Or the yearning for that kind of relationship that even tickles your bones, which I’ve gotten close to but have yet to experience?

I always thought I didn’t want kids - but is that true?
Or just the product of my ambition?
Will I regret it when I’m old?

What am I doing in this job?
At the end of my life will it have meant anything?

Sometimes I want to give up all my ambiitons and just do charity work, or at least something meaningful.

I want my life to have made some kind of difference after I’m gone (and while I’m still here too). And sometimes I just feel like I’m wasting my time.

Does anyone know what I’m talking about?

I once read this book by Eckhart Tolle called the Power of Now. It talks about how you can only find happiness in the present moment. That’s what I’m trying to focus on until my mind calms down a bit…easier said than done.

Yay - I finally heard from Hottie. (His real name is John which doesn’t do him justice, so for the purpose of this blog - with your permission - I’ll refer to him as Hottie, which should be his real name!

He just texted me, saying he’s sorry he didn’t get in touch on Thursday when he got back, he was overwhelmed. He said all the things he loved about our date and now that he’s back to sanity he would ‘love’ to get together.

I have to write back soon - but I’m having a challenge. He’s so compliementary and effusive, which I *love* but I just don’t write like that…I refuse to change my style or expression for a man…I have to be myself, or there’s no real foundation for a possible relationship….I hope it won’t come across as boring, or aloof.